


Go To College They Said It'll Be Fun They Said

by skrrtnation



Series: Go To College They Said It'll Be Fun They Said and Other Related Works [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Other, look idk how it happened ok, mentions of abuse, samtechno in later chapters, tags for later chapters include:, this is about the dsmp characters not the creators dsdjdj
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:48:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 85
Words: 23,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28758348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skrrtnation/pseuds/skrrtnation
Summary: tubbo and tommy get the idea to add a bunch of numbers to a gc, ranboo gets dragged into it, chaos ensues.
Relationships: Eret & Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Ranboo & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Sam | Awesamdude, Ranboo & Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Sam | Awesamdude & Ranboo & Technoblade, Sam | Awesamdude & Toby Smith | Tubbo & Tommyinnit, Sam | Awesamdude/Technoblade, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Zak Ahmed & Darryl Noveschosch
Series: Go To College They Said It'll Be Fun They Said and Other Related Works [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170623
Comments: 956
Kudos: 1963





	1. tubbox added big man, ranbonk + nine others

_tubbox added big man, ranbonk + 9 others_

tubbox: hello!! my friends and i were bored so we created a gc with random numbers 

big man: sup bitches 

tubbox: tommy!! 

big man: its true tubbo

unknown: you two give off middleschooler energy

unknown: look whos talking, mr. barely out of highschool 

tubbox: do you two know eachother :0?? 

unknown: yeah im alex

unknown: *quackity 

unknown: shut up schlatt 

schalt: you love me 

quackmeister: no 

THEBLADE: why is my phone being spammed with notifications.

big man: oh fuck tubbo you added techno

wilbur simp: he added me too 

tubbox: oh i must have clicked their names on accident!! 

THEBLADE: well we're here now.

unknown: techno. 

THEBLADE: heh?? 

THE BLADE: oh dream it's you.

dreamy creamy: yeah. 

unknown: im so high i thought my phone was a bomb what is happenign 

dreamy creamy: oh hi sap

tubbox: so many of you know eachother!! 

big man: bitches know eachother tubbo 

unknown: i should have put my phone on silent this woke me up 

THEBLADE: its 3pm. 

unknown: and? 

sappitus nappitus: hi george 

gogy: oh youre here 

dreamy creamy: i am too :) 

_gogy leaves the chat_

_dreamy creamy adds gogy to the chat_

dreamy creamy: why would you leave im hurt :,( 

unknown: SAPNAP

sappitus nappitus: KARL 

quackmeister: KARLOS 

karlos: ALEX 

unknown: who are you people 

quackmeister: oh my god,, its fucking fundy 

schaltt: its the furry 

furry: i will stab you 

schaltt: please do, i am in so much debt 

ranbonk: i just want to do my homework 

THEBLADE: ranbonk whomever you are, you're the only one i respect. 

ranbonk: thank you mr. Blade


	2. wilbur simp: ..its too early for this

_3:02 A.M._

ranbonk: im at mcdonalds yall want anything 

THEBLADE: it's four in the morning. 

ranbonk: yes and? 

THEBLADE: fair. 

tubbox: fries!! 

furry: nuggets.. all of them 

quackmeister: mcflurry pls

ranbonk: its my turn to order anyone that didnt ask for anything is out of luck

_3:51 A.M._

wilbur simp: dadza wants to know why ranboo was on your roof tubbo

tubbox: oh !! he was delivering my fries

wilbur simp: ..its too early for this 

tubbox: thans ranboo!! 

ranbonk: yeah no prob 

quackmeister: jesus ranboo i almost pissed myself 

schaltt: what happened

quackmeister: hE JUST APPEARED IN MY DORM OUT OF NOWHERE 

ranbonk: be more greatful that mcflurry was 3 whole dollars 

schaltt: ha 

furry: ranboo just dropped off 30 ten peice nuggets?? 

ranbonk: you said you wanted all of them

furry: oh my god how much money was it ill repay you 

THEBLADE: nah. i'll do it. ranboo, your paypal. 

ranbonk: payme.money/pay.pal

ranbonk: DID YOU JUST SEND ME 800 DOLLARS

THEBLADE: yeah. do you want more? 

ranbonk: OH MY GOD NO 

schaltt: if you dont want it ill take it 

THEBLADE: who even are you.

schaltt: im offended 

THEBLADE: good.


	3. quackmeister: shut up brit(derogatory)

_1:34 P.M._

dreamy creamy: haha so funny story i made a bet with techno and now hes on a mission to drive a golf cart into the football field and crash it into one of the goal posts

wilbur simp: you WHAT 

big man: oh man i gotta see this, guess im skipping math class 

tubbox: i wanna go :00!! 

big man: ofc, we're gonna make ranboo go too 

ranbonk: i didnt sign up for this

big man: too late

ranbonk: wait pleasi have a tesdhehevev

quackmeister: omg what happened to him 

sappitus nappitus: big crime got him, rest in piss ranboo 

schaltt: big crime?? 

wilbur simp: tubbos more evil more chaotic persona 

schaltt: i love that kid 

karlos: weirdchamp 

schaltt: i have a gun 

sappitus nappitus: bro dont threaten my wife not cool 

sappitus nappitus: i know karate

schaltt: ill say it again, i have a gun 

karlos: yoo dont threaten my cousin like that

furry: wait so- youre his wife and hes your cousin 

sappitus nappitus: cousins by chance lovers by choice

gogy: why did i have to pick america to be an exchange student in 

dreamy creamy: you love us ;)) 

gogy: no 

_gogy left the chat_

_dreamy creamy added gogy_

dreamy creamy: :,,(

gogy: i hate you

dreamy creamy: love you too

quackmeister: does anyone want to kiss after techno dies on impact with the goal post

schaltt: me 

quackmeister: ew no 

wilbur simp: i would kiss you schlatt 

schaltt: no homo tho right 

wilbur simp: sorry all my socks are in the laundry 

big man: are you not wearing any fucking socks again

big man: what would dadza think 

wilbur simp: i was kind of hoping he would be so distracted laughing at techno he wouldnt notice 

furry: is you not wearing socks a normal thing?? 

karlos: why dont you just borrow a pair

wilbur simp: oh shit i never thought of that

quackmeister: hey god me again why do i talk to these people 

ranbonk: that was traumatizing 

tubbox: it wasnt that bad ranboo!!

ranbonk: you two thREW ME OUT A WINOW 

big man: it was only the first story pussy

ranbonk: STILL 

tubbox: anyway we made it to the college 

tubbox: theres a huge crowd around the football field 

ranbonk: wilbur i can see the top of your head from here, you have lice 

quackmeister: my uncle got lice and he died 

karlos: damnn rip 

_2:46 P.M._

ranbonk: jesus christ techno are you okay

THEBLADE: nothing to worry about young one im just fine. 

ranbonk: you were literally taken to the hospital in an ambulance 

THEBLADE: dreams money in my pocket makes it worth it

wilbur simp: it was a money bet? 

THEBLADE: yeah. he bet me five dollars i wouldn't do it. 

wilbur simp: FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS?! im going to kill you

THEBLADE: *five thousand. 

quackmeister: oh my fucking god.. 

schaltt: so dream is rich rich huh 

big man: so is fucking techno his bio parents left him a small fortune 

THEBLADE: jealous, are we? 

ranbonk: is that why you sent me 800 like it was nothing 

big man: YOU SENT HIM 800 AND WONT EVEN FUCKING GIVE ME 10?? BITCH

THEBLADE: that is exactly why i wont give you ten. rude little twerp

big man: ILL SHOW YOU TWERP

wilbur simp: tommy hes literally injured leave him alone -dad 

big man: DAD, WILBUR ISNT WEARING SOCKS

wilbur simp: tommy HOW COULD YOU 

ranbonk: hello mr philza!!

quackmeister: oh my god your dad is philza minecraft 

wilbur simp: you didnt know? 

karlos: oh i just realized too, i thought your last names were a coincidence 

THEBLADE: if any of you are about to say something bad about dadza i have no qualms with murder. 

quackmeister: he is a very nice man!! 

karlos: yeah the best teacher i have. 

THEBLADE: tommy you dont have to grab my sword anymore. 

big man: awe

sappitus nappitus: a fucking sword??? what are you a prince?!

THEBLADE: yes actually 

wilbur simp: long story 

sappitus nappitus: ohh my god im too high for this 

karlos: sapnap, you are so sexy 

sappitus nappitus: i kno bby u are too 

karlos: kiss me

schaltt: im gay and you two make me homophobic 

quackmeister: says the one who kissed me behind applebees last night

schaltt: that was supposed to be OUR SECRET alexis 

big man: ahahaha your name is fucking alexis

quackmeister: shut up brit(derogatory)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the technoblade crashing a golf cart into the goal post thing is 100% inspired by a true story that happened my sophomore year of highschool right before i dropped out except i was only dared 3 dollars and not 5,000


	4. THEBLADE: tommy i am going to literally kill you.

_11:42 A.M._

tubbox: techno!! can we sign ur cast 

big man: yeahh techno let us sign your cast

THEBLADE: why would i let you anywhere near my cast with a permanent marker tommy

big man: come onn 

wilbur simp: dadza says you have to 

THEBLADE: damn it 

ranbonk: can i sign it? 

THEBLADE: yes of course. 

big man: WHY IS RANBOO YOUR FAVORITE 

THEBLADE: hes polite. 

quackmeister: i am going to write me perdonas on your cast 

schaltt: can i draw obama kissing the pope on it 

THEBLADE: stay the fuck away from my cast. 

schaltt: fair enough 

_2:12 P.M._

THEBLADE: tommy i am going to literally kill you. 

THEBLADE: why did you write wife haver on my cast. 

big man: its funnyy 

tubbox: it is!! 

furry: unlike you chumps i cant write

quackmeister: you what 

furry: you heard me

schaltt: how are you in college 

furry: threats. 

quackmeister: terrifying 

_2:15 P.M._

_private message between THE BLADE + ranbonk_

THEBLADE: ranboo.

ranbonk: techno 

THEBLADE: what was with the poorly covered bruises.

ranbonk: ahahaa i dont know what youre talking about

THEBLADE: you don't have to talk to me about it if you don't want to, but i'm here for you

THEBLADE: i also have several swords and the knowledge on how to dispose of a body. 

ranbonk: why do you know that 

THEBLADE: that's a secret i'll never tell. 

ranbonk: ??? 

_2:36 P.M._

wilbur simp added big man, tubbox + 8 others

wilbur simp: were holding a surprise party for techno tomorrow 

wilbur simp: be there or be square

tubbox: I FROGOT ITS HUS BIRTHAT

ranbonk: tommorows technos birthday??? 

big man: yeah techno bitch turns 22 tomorrow 

furry: oh shit im gonna make him a knife 

dreamy creamy: you make knives?? can i get one 

furry: they're 500 a piece 

dreamy creamy: say no more 

furry: is it a fucking trend in this group for rich bitches to send you way more money than you asked for 

furry: dream why is there 1000 dollars in my paypal

dreamy creamy: just cause 

karlos: WHO WANTS TO GO TO IKEA WITH ME IM GONNA GET TECHNO A DRESSER 

sappitus nappitus: YOO I WANT TO CLIMB IN THE VENTS 

ranbonk: college students scare me 

gogy: sapnap doesnt even go to college 

schaltt: he doesnt? then why is he always on campus? 

sappitus nappitus: i love annoying my friends 

quackmeister: do you think techno would appreciate a taco bell gift card with only 7.69 on it 

big man: hahaha nice the sex number 

quackmeister: shur up youre like twelve


	5. schaltt: i can hear quackity shrieking from across the hall

_2:03 A.M._

THEBLADE: i am holding self defense classes. everyone must be in attendance. 

quackmeister: why?? 

THEBLADE: it has occurred to me you twinks have no means of defending yourself.

THEBLADE: except schaltt.

schaltt: righto big man i have a gun 

tubbox: like karate classes?? 

THEBLADE: no. 

tubbox: awe :((

furry: ill teach you karate tubbo 

tubbox: yay!!! 

quackmeister: jfc fundy knows karate 

THEBLADE: see you have a reason to learn, to protect yourself from fundy.

quackmeister: youre so right 

ranbonk: why are you guys awake?? 

schaltt: i could ask you the same thing

THEBLADE: yeah ranboo why are you awake? 

ranbonk: ..

ranbonk: homework 

big man: yeah right like you do homework 

gogy: shut the fuck up 

ranbonk: yes sir george sir

sappitus nappitus: stuck in the ikea vents feeling good

karlos: OH MY GOD I FORGOT SAPNAP IN IKEA

dreamy creamy: huh i thought the apartment was strangely quiet 

karlos: im coming for you sap 

sappitus nappitus: its ok i found a rat were friends 

wilbur simp: ?? dont touch the fucking rat youll get the plague 

big man: nono touch the rat i want to know what happens 

_10:27 A.M._

THEBLADE: something smells.. fishy. 

wilbur simp: no clue what youre talking about

dreamy creamy: yeah aha no clue what youre talking about

THEBLADE: ranboo. 

ranbonk: yes mr. blade

THEBLADE: what are you guys planning.

tubbox: dont answer him ranboo 

big man: yeah dont be a pussy

ranbonk: ahahah thats so funny oh no looks like i gotta go- 

karlos: attaboy 

THEBLADE: guess i have to go with my second choice. quackity 

quackmeister: yeah? 

THEBLADE: what are you lot planning. before you answer, remember i have a sword.

quackmeister: OH MY GOD PLEASE DONT STAB ME WERE PLANNING A SURPRISE PARTY FOR YOU 

wilbur simp: quackity 

wilbur simp: i am going to rip that stupid beanie off your head along with your damn wig

schaltt: i can hear quackity shrieking from across the hall 

wilbur simp: good


	6. THEBLADE: a surprise party?

_10:41 A.M._

_private message between THE BLADE + Dadza_

THEBLADE: father. 

THEBLADE: a surprise party? 

Dadza: yeah, sorry techno, i tried to stop them but they're impossible 

THEBLADE: i understand. how long do i have.

Dadza: Wil and Tommy wanted to start the party at around 12

THEBLADE: great. /s

Dadza: Look on the bright side, at least there'll be cake

THEBLADE: phil you are the only solace in this family 

Dadza: love you too kid 

techno sighs, stretching out at his desk chair. he guessed this might as well happen. every single party tommy had a hand in planning ended horribly. maybe this one would be better. actually, no it probably wouldnt. 

there's a shout from down the hall that he vaguely recognizes as wilbur, yelling about how he'd have alex's head on a pike for ruining the surprise. he wonders if maybe he can still get out of this, but decides against it. not at all because he hates to see tommy and wil sad, no way. 

theres a knock at his door and he looks up to see phil open the door and look at him apologetically. "people started showing up early." and thus started techno's hell.


	7. THEBLADE: none of you ever come to my house again.

_11:24 P.M._

THEBLADE: none of you ever come to my house again.

THEBLADE: except you ranboo you're the exception. 

big man: come onn it wasnt that bad

quackmeister: we literally had to coax dream off the roof with beef jerky 

karlos: and sapnap fell into the table with the cake

sappitus nappitus: thank fucking god ranboo grabbed it before i smashed it with my fat ass 

schaltt: suddenly im glad i didnt come

furry: you missed alex almost pissing himself when i dropped down out of the ac vent

tubbox: i have rhe video!! 

schaltt: send it 

quackmeister: DELETE IT

tubbox: alexalmostdying.mp4

schaltt: HA im going to watch this every day until i die

big man: you deserve this for letting it slip to techno 

THEBLADE: i owe you a debt alex. 

quackmeister: does that mean i get to call in a favor 

THEBLADE: yes. 

quackmeister: this is epic 

big man: the last time techno owed me a favor my arch nemisis went missing 

quackmeister: ??? 

THEBLADE: completely unrelated. no comment. 

tubbox: hey has anyone heard from ranboo since he left? 

furry: nah 

wilbur simp: not for lack of trying 

THEBLADE: did something happen?

tubbox: thats what im trying to find out 

_11:56 P.M._

_private message between THE BLADE + ranbonk_

THEBLADE: hey kid you alright?

THEBLADE: we're all worried about you, you get home safe? 

ranbonk: no

ranbonk: oh my god no

ranbonk: shit shit shit

THEBLADE: hey, it's alright. calm down. where are you i'll come get you.

ranbonk: no

ranbonk: you cant come 

ranbonk: its 

ranbonk: ill be fine, its fine

THEBLADE: ranboo either we do this the easy way or i track you down myself. 

ranbonk: shit okay ill send you my location 

THEBLADE: attaboy. i'll be there in no time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain. suffering even. we will be back to funny in a few chapters i promise


	8. THEBLADE: crime? what crime?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi uh tw for mentions of abuse this chapter, but don't worry techno is taking care of it *wink wink*   
> blood for the blood god man

techno's hands shake on the steering wheel of his old toyota corolla, he huffs, taking a deep breath. ranboo would be fine, yeah? completely fine. and if he wasn't, techno could handle it. as he drives, he starts to think maybe he should have let philza handle this. 

hes sort of zoned out as he listens to the automated voice of the gps tell him when to turn, its a miracle that he hadn't crashed into anything yet. 

when the gps tells him he's met his destination, he looks out the window to see a shivering ranboo on the curb, and god he looked horrible. techno is out of the car in seconds. 

"holy shit, kid." is all techno manages, looking over the younger for injuries. he sees smatterings of bruises and healing scabs. 

techno remembers earlier that evening, how he'd been watching ranboo like a hawk. he'd flinched when philza clapped him on the back. shit. how come techno hadn't noticed sooner. 

"oh ranboo." he says softly. he notices then that ranboo had been sobbing silently. "techno please you can't-" ranboo hiccups. "you can't tell anyone, please." techno shakes his head and helps ranboo up. "i have to." techno contemplates for a second. "i used to be in your situation, making excuses and shit. i went to school one day looking like hell, i begged the school counselor not to say anything, it was just an off day." techno helps ranboo into his car and gets into the drivers seat. "she did, though. and then i got placed with phil." he keeps his eyes on the road, waits to hear the click of ranboo's seatbelt and then starts driving. ranboo doesn't say anything on the drive back so techno keeps the silence. 

techno, later, will definitely be putting his sword to use. he looks over to the passengers seat, finding ranboo asleep. techno sighs. he's hardly strong enough to carry tommy, hes just grateful ranboo is lanky. 

techno almost falls down the stairs twice, and he sets ranboo down on his bed. he doubts he'll be using it any time soon. tommy appears in the doorway. "what happened to him?" tommy asks. 

techno sighs. "i'm not sure." it's a small lie, he doesn't want to worry tommy. 

behind tommy, wilbur appears. "he's gonna be okay, tommy." wilbur assures, tugging tommy away to continue cleaning the living room. 

_12:46 A.M._

_private message between THEBLADE + Dadza_

THEBLADE: phil i think i just accidentally adopted a child

Dadza: good for you! is ranboo okay? 

THEBLADE: he will be, do you think i could become his legal guardian if his foster parents dissapeared? 

Dadza: no comment, you're not supposed to talk about a crime before it happens 

THEBLADE: crime? what crime? 

Dadza: exactly

Dadza: completely unrelated, remember to sharpen your sword

THEBLADE: will do, father


	9. karlos: is techno plotting a murder

_1:04 A.M._

THEBLADE: ranboo has been acquired. he's asleep right now

tubbox: is he okay??

THEBLADE: nothing a little therapy won't fix. 

THEBLADE: on an unrelated note does anyone here know how to hide a body. 

furry: yeah 

quackmeister: ????

THEBLADE: perfect. fundy meet me at the lake tomorrow. 

sappitus nappitus: holy fucking shit 

karlos: is 

karlos: is techno plotting a murder 

THEBLADE: i have no idea what you're talking about.

schaltt: snitches get stitches, karlos

THEBLADE: for once i agree with you schlatt.

sappitus nappitus: stop threatening my wife, mutton chops 

karlos: sapnap you are so attractive 

karlos: i am going to come kiss you 

dreamy creamy: no god please no i dont want to hear that 

furry: ew gay people 

quackmeister: youre literally GAY fundy 

furry: yes and

schaltt: fundy, man up and come kiss me like a man 

furry: dont tempt me ill cut off those stupid sideburns of yours

schaltt: oh so hes feisty 

quackmeister: schlatt are you cheating on me ;,(

schaltt: naw baby theres enough of me to go around 

furry: i would rather kiss alex than you and thats saying something 

quackmeister: WHATS WRONG WITH ME 

furry: you probably have dandruff


	10. THEBLADE: just threatened a man. feeling great

_12:34 P.M._

THEBLADE: just threatened a man. feeling great 

THEBLADE: fundy i no longer need your services 

furry: awe man alright 

ranbonk: ?? what is going on 

tubbox: ranboo!! 

THEBLADE: tommy i thought i told you to keep him in bed 

big man: HE FUCKIN

big man: i took my eye off him for FIVE SECONDS

ranbonk: im just in the kitchen

ranbonk: you guys need more lucky charms by the way 

wilbur simp: YOU 

wilbur simp: ILL GET YOU THOSE WERE MINE 

THEBLADE: calm down wil ill buy you more. 

ranbonk: sorry wil your dad said it was alright

wilbur simp: of course he did 

karlos: who wants to go with ikea to me 

quackmeister: why are you in ikea literally every day 

karlos: the vibes 

karlos: sapnap is coming because he lost his phone in the vents yesterday 

dreamy creamy: yeah fuckin idiot 

karlos: dont be fucking rude- sapnap

dreamy creamy: FUCK YOU YOU TOOK THE LAST ICE POP 

schaltt: fucking ice pop?? bitch theyre called popsicles 

dreamy creamy: i know seven ways to kill you silently 

schaltt: i have a GUN 

quackmeister: the girls are fightingg

ranbonk: i want to go to ikea :( 

THEBLADE: you're supposed to be staying in bed.

ranbonk: :((

THEBLADE: fine. put your shoes on i'll be at the house to pick you up in a few minutes.

big man: me and tubbo are coming to

THEBLADE: *tubbo and i.

THEBLADE: three teenagers in my car?? jesus christ. 

ranbonk: thank you techno!! 

THEBLADE: sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> technoblade more like technosoft


	11. quackmeister: STOP CHEATING ON ME

_3:11 P.M._

wilbur simp: i cant believe techno bought ranboo djungelskog after he only looked at it once

big man: yeah and he didnt buy me meatballs 

THEBLADE: you already had twenty of them

furry: hahaha technosoft 

ranbonk: thank you techno 

THEBLADE: ranboo you are the only valid one here. 

gogy: dream

gogy: why in the fuck is your cat in my kitchen 

dreamy creamy: oh fuck i forgot patches

gogy: why were you in my apartment

dreamy creamy: its a surprise ;) 

gogy: oh my fucking GOD why is there a fully assembled wardrobe infront of my tv

tubbox: you said that wardrobe was for your mother dream 

dreamy creamy: oops i lied 

big man: fuck yeahh chaos 

gogy: i am going to kill you dream 

dreamy creamy: you cant reach me

sappitus nappitus: ill hold him down for you george

dreamy creamy: WHY 

sappitus nappitus: revenge for you stealing my last meatball 

karlos: i literally gave you the rest of mine

sappitus nappitus: which im very grateful for but i still wanted revenge 

karlos: why do i like you 

sappitus nappitus: u love me ;))

ranbonk: are they actually dating or what 

schaltt: no one knows, just like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop

furry: 364

schaltt: what 

furry: it takes 364 licks 

schaltt: oh my fucking god 

schaltt: fundy kiss me on the mouth right now

quackmeister: STOP CHEATING ON ME

schaltt: we can all kiss eachother 

big man: there are children here 

big man: like tubbo and ranboo

ranbonk: were older than you tommy 

big man: shut up shut up shut up


	12. gogy: i am going to fucking pepper spray you

_6:43 A.M._

THEBLADE: 1:30 p.m.

THEBLADE: be there or die.

quackmeister: wh ??? 

wilbur simp: oh hes being dramatic about his first self defense class

karlos: self defense class???

THEBLADE: yes and i expect everyone here to show up. i checked your schedules. 

schaltt: can i bring my gun 

quackmeister: YOULL SHOOT ME 

schaltt: yes 

THEBLADE: philza says no guns in the house. 

schaltt: heart been broke so many timess

gogy: there is no way in hell im leaving my apartment for self defense classes 

dreamy creamy: too bad 

gogy: i am going to fucking pepper spray you

dreamy creamy: kinky 

sappitus nappitus: am i allowed to show up high 

THEBLADE: do what you want. 

sappitus nappitus: YESS LETS GOO

karlos: ill bring ikea meatballs as refreshments 

ranbonk: please 

ranbonk: i am trying to sleep 

THEBLADE: oh sorry ranboo.

big man: HOW COME YOU ONLY APOLOGIZE TO HIM

dreamy creamy: because techno went all mother duck on him 

dreamy creamy: techno soft technomom

THEBLADE: dont forget i know where you live.

sappitus nappitus: please dont kill him i need him to make rent 

_4:17 P.M_

karlos: jesus christ i havent worked out that much in months 

quackmeister: i cant believe sap kept knocking you onto the mat

schaltt: especially while he was so fucking high 

tubbox: watching tommy repeatedly try to flip fundy was funny 

big man: i almost got STABBED tubbo 

furry: it was self defense 

gogy: i cant fucking believe i got dragged here by dream 

dreamy creamy: you love me bby

gogy: die 

wilbur simp: dadza wants to know what pizza toppings you guys want 

big man: pepperoni 

tubbox: what tommy said 

quackmeister: pineapple 

schaltt: what the fuck is wrong with you

quackmeister: ITS A GOOD TOPPING 

karlos: i just want a cheeze pizza 

sappitus nappitus: everything 

schaltt: WHO EATS PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA WHAT THE FUCK

ranbonk: its a good topping?? 

THEBLADE: schlatt if you insult ranboo i will kill you.

schaltt: .. 

schaltt: pineapple pizza is alright i guess

quackmeister: L 

schaltt: dont expect to be able to kiss me after you eat that monstrosity of a pizza 

quackmeister: my heart is broken bro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this last night with the added challenge of my eyedrops making everything blurry


	13. big man: FUCK

_4:34 A.M._

_private message between THEBLADE + Dadza_

THEBLADE: phil how do you help a kid who's having a panic attack. 

THEBLADE: im kind of freaking out here. 

Dadza: oh shit okay well

Dadza: have him count to five with every breath, give him water, do something to ground him 

Dadza: give him something to hold, give him a hug if hes okay with it 

Dadza: remember that thing i used to do when you were younger? how id let you sit in my lap and wrapped you in a blanket?

THEBLADE: yeah yeah okay. 

THEBLADE: thank you phil. 

Dadza: no problem kid

_5:42 A.M._

karlos: DREAM DID YOU YOUR FUCKING PART IN THE PROJECT

dreamy creamy: oH SHIT WIWIWUWHWHW

gogy: oh my GOD i am actually going to KILL you dream 

dreamy creamy: schlatt i will literally pay you so much if you do my part im busy 

schaltt: sir yes sir i will get you an A 

quackmeister: schlatt what about our project 

schaltt: oh fundy already did it

furry: you owe me 

quackmeister: jfc i really dont wanna be in debt to fundy but ok 

big man: ha fucking loser college students 

tubbox: tommy you have math homework 

big man: FUCK 

wilbur simp: why is tommy screaming


	14. gogy: that presentation went horribly

_12:52 P.M._

tubbox: ranbooo 

ranbonk: yes tubbo 

tubbox: i need a tall person and tommy is at school 

schaltt: why arent you in school 

tubbox: i faked sick!!

schaltt: nice 

tubbox: anyway i need a tall person to grab the mixing bowls on the top of my cabinets 

schaltt: ill do it i wanted an excuse to get out of school anyway 

ranbonk: oh thank god i dont have to get up off the couch 

ranbonk: im watching kitchen nightmares 

big man: YOURE WATCHING KITCHEN NIGHTMARES WITHOUT ME??? FIRST YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IN HISTORY AND NOW THIS?? 

ranbonk: sorry not sorry 

_2:34 P.M._

gogy: that presentation went horribly 

karlos: it wasnt that bad 

gogy: dream literally didnt know any of his parts because he paid schlatt to do it 

dreamy creamy: on the bright side im the teachers favorite so its okay 

quackmeister: lucky motherfucker

schlatt: fundy did you sabotage us on purpose 

furry: yes it was funny 

karlos: i still cant believe they let fundy bring a pidgeon in the building 

furry: fyi, karl, i snuck jeremy in

quackmeister: glad to know the pidgeon that shit in my hair has a name


	15. quackmeister: schlatt just got fucking arrested

_3:29 P.M._

quackmeister: schlatt just got fucking arrested 

quackmeister: he used his one phone call to tell me he has a gun in his back pocket 

big man: yeahh i can get behind that 

THEBLADE: tommy if you ever get arrested i will be so disappointed. 

wilbur simp: so did no one read that schlatt has a gun in his pocket

furry: eh 

quackmeister: he was also eating ribs?? 

quackmeister: who wants to come with me to get him before they find the gun 

furry: ill go i want to laugh at him 

karlos: what did he even do

quackmeister: no fucking clue

karlos: completely ignoring the fact that schlatts in jail bc i hate him, does anyone have any butter, or canola oil 

tubbox: i have both, why?

karlos: sapnaps dump truck got stuck in my dorm vents 

dreamy creamy: *sigh* ill be there in a few minutes 

big man: did you just use asterisks you fucking loser 

dreamy creamy: shut the hell up you uncultured swine 

_5:47 P.M._

furry: i cant believe they didnt find the gun 

schaltt: thats just because i am so sexy they were distracted 

quackmeister: okay mr disturbing the peace

schaltt: its not my fault that goose started that fight 

sappitus nappitus: im in literal tears what 

schaltt: i dont want to talk about it 

tubbox: geese are evil i feel for you schlatt 

ranbonk: hello everyone i dont mean to disturb you but there is a SNAKE in this cereal box 

big man: THATS WHERE HOT GIRL WENT 

THEBLADE: tommy are you harboring a snake 

big man: mind your business bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought that schlatt going to jail bit on one of quackitys streams was funny so i put it in here   
> also uh if you have any ideas on where you want this story to go pls tell me i am trying to figure out where to take this


	16. furry: did you know you can buy 1000 locusts on amazon

_2:56 P.M._

furry: did you know you can buy 1000 locusts on amazon

quackmeister: what the fuck is wrong with you

wilbur simp: you can also buy a quart of bull cum 

schaltt: isnt that shit in monsters 

karlos: WHAT 

ranbonk: is this what college students talk about on a regular basis 

sappitus nappitus: holy shit karl is having a full on crisis over his monster 

sappitus nappitus: should i tell him they artificially make taurine or let him go on like this

big man: let him its what he deserves 

ranbonk: the fda allows at least three roach legs a chocolate bar tommy 

wilbur simp: my ears are bleeding tommy why can you reach that pitch 

big man: its a talent 

tubbox: tommy stop screaming for a second 

tubbox: the enclosure for hot girl just arrived

big man: HELL YEAH 

big man: ill be over asap 

tubbox: are you coming ranboo?

ranbonk: aha no i have some uh business to attend to 

big man: are you sure youre not just afraid of snakes 

ranbonk: im not 

big man: sure, pussy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this may or may not be the setup for more ranboo angst thanks to @H_Faith_Marr   
> poor ranboo im about to put him through so much


	17. wilbut simp: has anyone seen ranboo??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i started this off with a bit of humor to ease into the angst i also introduced eret into the mix.

_4:20 P.M._

sappitus nappitus: haha nice 

karlos: youre high all the time why do you need the weed number 

big man: yeahh i love the weed number 

tubbox: you have literally never touched a weed in your life tommy 

schaltt: a weed 

schaltt: never change, tubbo, never change 

wilbur simp: uhh

wilbut simp: has anyone seen ranboo?? 

wilbur simp: i went to ask him if he wanted anything from taco bell bc eret is over complaining about their taco hell cards 

wilbur simp: and he wasnt there 

tubbox: he said something about having something to do? 

big man: yeah but i would have guessed hed be done by now though 

THEBLADE: my ranboo senses are tingling whats happening. 

wilbur simp: hes not at home and the only thing he said was he had something to do 

wilbur simp: but that was hours ago 

THEBLADE: .. 

wilbur simp: uh oh i think hes going mama bear mode. 

techno is totally going mama bear mode. he's at fencing practice of all things, ignoring his teammates concerned glances. he counts to ten, tries to rationalize what could be happening. he really, really tries. but he can't. 

techno, quite frankly, is freaking the fuck out. he has a horrible, horrible gut feeling about this. he trusts his gut. it was right when he decided to go a different route to pick tommy up around a month ago, later turning on the news to see there was a three car pile up on the same route he usually took so why wouldn't it be right now. 

of course, he hoped the feeling was wrong, hoped there wasn't some cruel twist of fate at work. ranboo was finally starting to get comfortable, finally starting to think of their place as home. so of course some bullshit came along to fuck it up. 

he belatedly realizes he's hyperventilating, hands clenched into his jeans so tight his knuckles are white. 

techno blinks, and hes in his car, body working on auto pilot, doesnt think about anything other than the fact that he needs to find ranboo. 

he pulls out his phone and he calls phil. it rings twice before he hears his fathers voice. "hey mate, wil told me whats happening." phil says through the phone. "it's gonna be alright, techno. we'll organize a group to look for him, yeah? and i'll stay at home incase he shows up while you're out." techno nods, forgets they're on the phone. "yeah, yeah okay." techno takes a deep breath. "i'll be home in a few minutes." he says, phil says goodbye and he hangs up. 

so maybe techno speeds, but can you blame him? the kid that he adopted as sort of his son is practically missing, maybe he's being over dramatic but thats his _kid._

techno may not want to admit that he inherited phil's habit of adopting stray children. he'd brought home half feral cats and dogs covered in mange, the occasional duck and once a goose. 

he'd thought he'd grown out of it until he saw ranboo. a tall, lanky, string bean pole of a kid who had poorly covered bruises and reminded techno painfully of himself before philza came into his life. so of course his metaphorical feathers are ruffled. he can't stop imagining ranboo out in the cold, lost and hungry and scared, bruises still healing. it makes him press further on the gas. 

he's pulling into the driveway hastily, almost hitting the trashcan. techno's out of the car in seconds, a few other cars out front he recognizes as his friends. 

when he opens the door he hears people chattering nervously, they all go quiet when he steps in. 

"we're going to find him." techno says, but they all know its to reassure himself. he takes a shakey breath. "we'll have groups, so we can cover more area, wil, fundy, eret. and schlatt will be with me. dream, karl, sapnap, george and alex will be the other group." tommy looks slightly offended. 

"what about me and tubbo?!" he shouts indignantly. "you're staying here with phil incase he comes back here. that's the most important job." tommy's expression soothes at that, tubbo nods. 

eret places a hand on techno's shoulder. "for all we know, he could just be lost." techno nods. "the main concern is finding him, if he's hurt we'll deal with it then." once again it's techno reassuring himself more than anything. they trickle out of the house, piling into two cars until its just techno and philza in the entrance, tommy and tubbo waiting on the couch buzzing with anxious energy. 

philza wraps his son up in a hug, holding tight. "you can do this. i believe in you." philza says with a smile. "now go find your boy." techno nods wordlessly and is out the door. he decides maybe eret should drive, given his shaking hands and sort of blurry vision. he left his glasses at practice, but that's hardly something techno can think of now. he tosses eret the keys and they climb over the middle compartment into the driver's seat. techno gets into the passengers side and sighs. 

for once, schlatt decides not to be an ass and keeps his mouth shut. the car is coated in almost impenetrable silence as eret puts the key in the ignition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha pain. maybe next chapter you'll figure out whats happened to ranboo. i have a feeling writing the next few chapters will make me cry, so fair warning ig. they also may be more spaced out cause they'll be non gc chapters.


	18. ranbonk: i fucked up techno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was right i literally had such a hard time writing this through my tears. the angst aint over yet though. sorry not sorry

_4:56 P.M._

_private message between dreamy creamy + THEBLADE_

dreamy creamy: well find him, techno 

dreamy creamy: this doesnt make you a bad person, accidents happen 

dreamy creamy: speaking as someone with experience, you cant blame yourself for whatever happens, okay? 

THEBLADE: thanks dream.

THEBLADE: you're the last person i expected this talk to come from. /pos

dreamy creamy: hey we cant be rivals if youre not in tiptop shape

THEBLADE: haha very funny.

dreamy creamy: seriously though, techno

dreamy creamy: im here for you /gen

eret is the first to break the silence as they roll down their window. "can you think of anywhere he might be?" they ask, side glancing at a shakey techno. 

techno thinks for a second. "shit. yeah oh my god." he mutters, the sudden gravity of the situation hitting him. "oh my fucking god." techno says, pulling up the gps on his phone. 

the adress ranboo gave him stares back at him. eret looks at his phone. "oh, i know where that is." they say, "is that where we're going?" techno nods. 

schlatt speaks up from the back seat. "now might not be the time, but i brought my gun." he says, and techno laughs. 

"for once i'm glad i know you." fundy mutters, looking out the window. 

_5:17 P.M._

_private message between ranbonk + THEBLADE_

ranbonk: i fucked up techno

ranbonk: i fucked up so bad i shouldnt have gone back 

ranbonk: oh my god im so stupid 

THEBLADE: no you aren't ranboo 

THEBLADE: what happened? 

ranbonk: they said they missed me

ranbonk: they said they'd change 

ranbonk: i believed them oh god i shouldn't have come back

ranbonk: it hurts techno 

THEBLADE: i'm on my way, ranboo, okay? 

THEBLADE: i'm coming for you, alright? 

THEBLADE: hang in there. 

techno sees red, anger welling up in him. he realizes hes crying when tears fall onto his phone. he turns to eret. "ranboo just texted me. he's hurt, eret." his voice shakes. "he'll be alright techno, we're almost there, alright?" eret says, their voice strained with anger. techno nods. 

when they pull up, techno scrambles out of the car before it even stops, he hears shouting from inside the house. it only angers him more. 

techno stomps up the steps and rips open the door, doesn't bother to knock. the sight before him nearly makes him stop in his tracks, eyes zeroing in on ranboo. 

he's cowering in the corner, trying his hardest to look small, he looks like he wants to just dissolve into the floor underneath him. techno scans his frame, sees the bruises and the blood and his only thought is he wants to kill whoever did this to his kid. 

the shouting is now aimed at him, a guy that looks like a good for nothing scumbag is in his face, his breath smells like alcohol. "who the fuck are you?" the man, no walking trash, demands. "what the fuck do you think you're doing in my house?" the walking garbage continues. techno ignores him, pushes past to get to ranboo. 

the garbage on legs stops him again. "don't you dare go near that freak." he says, and techno laughs, cold and harsh. "are you so drunk you don't remember me? i told you if you even so much as looked at ranboo again i would gut you and hang you up like a mantelpiece." techno's voice is full of venom and the walking garbage pales. "now you remember." techno smirks. eret and wilbur appear in the doorway. "techno." eret shoves past the human garbage fire. "you won't do ranboo any good in jail." they remind. human garbage squints at their eyeliner and heels. "fucking freak." sir waste of human life says. eret ignores him, helps techno with lifting ranboo up. 

techno holds onto ranboo tightly, like he never wants to let go again. fundy and schlatt are watching from the door now too, daring sir piss in physical form to do anything about it. fundy looks at human garbage up and down. "you're lucky the police aren't going to find you with a knife in your chest." he says, and they all make their way to techno's car, when it looks like the shitbag is going to try and stop them, schlatt shows just enough of his guns to stop him in his tracks. 

techno and schlatt switch spots so techno could be in the back with ranboo, wilbur calls philza and fundy calls alex to tell them they found ranboo, and to meet them at the hospital. 

"techno?" ranboo asks, looking up blearily at the pink haired man. "i'm here, kid, i'm here." techno says, running his hands through the kids hair. wilbur sighs. "we should have thought about where ranboo would sit when we found him, now hes just laying on us." fundy shrugs. "hindsight is twenty twenty." he mutters.


	19. Dadza: its me wil dads busy calming tommy down whats ranboos room number

ranboo falls in and out of conciousness until he's in a hospital bed wearing one of those ridiculous hospital gowns, trying desperately to stay awake to see tommy and tubbo. 

techno pulled one of the chairs in the room to the side of the bed, he'd had a talk with a few of the doctors earlier, explaining ranboo's situation. they assured him they'd get the police involved. no matter how much the pink haired man hated cops he'd have to speak with them soon enough, unfortunately. 

_6:24 P.M._

_private message between Dadza + THEBLADE_

Dadza: techno 

Dadza: its me wil dads busy calming tommy down whats ranboos room number 

THEBLADE: 106 

THEBLADE: bring me a redbull theres a vending machine by the elevator 

Dadza: sir yes sir 

techno turns his phone off and ruffles ranboo's hair. "phil, wilbur, and the gremlins are on their way up, kid." he says, laughing as ranboo swats his hand away. "the gremlins?" he asks 

techno nods. "would you rather thing one and thing two?" then there's a thud and tommy's bursting through the door. "i heard that jackass." he grumbles. tubbo is right behind him, looking vaguely apologetic. "tommy! phil said ranboo needed quiet." 

by the time philza reaches the room tommy is pouncing on ranboo, ranboo yelling in protest, tubbo looks like he's trying not to laugh. phil goes to stand by techno, putting a hand on his shoulder. "you holding up alright, mate?" he asks softly, techno sighs and nods. gods is he tired. wilbur is the last to enter the room, sneaking up behind techno to press the cold redbull against his neck. 

the pink haired man yelps and jumps out of his seat, turning to glare at a laughing wilbur. 

theres a knock on the door, a lady in a police uniform entering the room, she glances around. "which one of you is techno blade-minecraft?" she asks, and the man in question gets up. her eyebrows raise. "we have some questions to ask you, would you mind coming into the hall?" techno sighs, nods, and follows her into the hall. 

she sideglances him as soon as he closes the door. "what kind of name is techno?" she asks, she must be new to the precinct, techno thinks. he flashes a grin, "i picked it myself." he mutters, and her eyes spark with recognition. "oh, makes sense," she says. "what made a college student want to get custody of a highschooler? the blond guy i'd expect." techno laughs at that. "my dad?" he asks, she looks shocked. "he looks too young to be your dad." she says in disbelief, making techno laugh more. "oh no, he's not my biological father. he took me in when i was around ranboo's age, he was still studying to be a teacher." he shrugs. "oh, so it's a family trait to just adopt stray kids?" techno nods. 

a man also in a police uniform rounds the corner. "andrea!" he calls, picking up his pace. "he turns to techno, "sorry if she bothered you, my sister just got out of the academy." techno waves in dismissal. 

"if you'd follow us we'll start the actual process." the man says, and techno nods. "yeah sure lead the way." he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eueueuebsb sorry this is a bit late, ive been kind of put out of commission at the moment (caught a cold 😞) this is a lil short bc of that sorry yall


	20. sappitus nappitus: ..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *presents this to you on a silver platter* a little funny in these trying times

_1:43 P.M._

sappitus nappitus: i got arrested last night for being too handsome 

karlos: no sap you got arrested for arson 

sappitus nappitus: i was too hot to handle 

karlos: they had to put you out with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER 

schaltt: so im not the only convicted felon here 

wilbur simp: most of us have been arrested at least once schlatt 

schaltt: wait what??? 

THEBLADE: disturbing the peace 

dreamy creamy: yeah same 

wilbur simp: assult (he fucking deserved it, that jared MOTHERFUCKER) 

big man: tubbo and i got caught breaking into the school to free the frogs in the lab

furry: (: every cop in the precinct knows me by name 

quackmeister: terrifying 

sappitus nappitus: anyway who wants to set a pile of dry leaves on fire with me 

karlos: if you singe my sweater ill honking get you 

sappitus nappitus: i would never burn this monstrosity 

sappitus nappitus: wink wink 

karlos: I WILL GROUND YOU 

tubbox: i gt m hand stuc ina prinles can

tubbox: hlep

big man: wh 

big man: how 

tubbox: dnt ask 

tubbox: shart hlmp me

big man: SHART 

schaltt: ill be over in a sec 

schaltt: i have a bad feeling 

wilbur simp: what ever do you mean schlatt 

shart: you know what i mean

shart: FUCK WHO CHANGED MY NAME 

big man: what are you gonna do about it bitch

schaltt: there 

schaltt: stop disrespecting your elders tommy

big man: you literally commit tax fraud shut up 

schaltt: shh the irs will hear you 

dreamy creamy: why do i hear sapnap screaming

karlos: he threatened my favorite sweater that i oh so kindly let him wear 

sappitus nappitus: its garish 

karlos: youre the one who singed your own hoodie to death 

sappitus nappitus: .. 

ranbonk: f 

karlos: f indeed 

gogy: shut up im getting my beauty sleep 

schaltt: good luck with the coma then 

gogy: i fucking hate it here


	21. dreamy creamy: hey guys were going camping

_4:58 A.M._

dreamy creamy: hey guys were going camping 

tubbox: what?? 

dreamy creamy: i just impulsively bought this 10 room 20 person tent so 

dreamy creamy: were going camping 

THEBLADE: i'm bringing eret.

THEBLADE: and phil. 

big man: i am going to climb the hugest tree i can find 

karlos: if this is a repeat of last year i swear 

wilbur simp: what happened last year?? 

sappitus nappitus: bear 

quackmeister: BEAR??? 

dreamy creamy: im going to drag george along this time

big man: who is george 

karlos: i miss george 

karlos: sometimes i still hear his voice..

gogy: stop telling people im dead 

dreamy creamy: oh geooorrrggeee 

gogy: stay the FUCK away from me 

gogy: i got mace after that pepper spray didnt work 

dreamy creamy: (:

furry: when are we going camping?? 

dreamy creamy: now 

wilbur simp: NOW?? 

ranbonk: i want to go 

THEBLADE: youre supposed to be on bedrest, ranboo 

big man: come onn 

ranbonk: ): 

THEBLADE: fine.

ranbonk: (: 

THEBLADE: god i've gone soft. 

wilbur simp: tommy do you know if our sleeping bags are still in the attic 

big man: ill check 

karlos: sap and i are going to the store to get snacks 

karlos: dream gave us his credit card 

sappitus nappitus: i love having a sugar daddy 

schaltt: i wish i had a sugar daddy i am so poor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> camping arc bc im still planning out the ranboo arc aha ha


	22. karlos: sap ate all the peeps

_5:36 A.M._

THEBLADE: dream are you going to tell us where we're going or not. 

dreamy creamy: ohh yeah 

dreamy creamy: i should do that huh 

THEBLADE: yes, you should. 

karlos: bad news 

karlos: sap ate all the peeps 

quackmeister: NOO THAT MOTHERFUCKER

THEBLADE: its fine i'll pick more up on the way 

quackmeister: you are a god amongst men 

dreamy creamy: well we do call him blood god 

wilbur simp: its been so long since i heard that name 

wilbur simp: not since the wars 

quackmeister: THE WARS??? 

big man: yes the wars 

tubbox: i miss the drug van

wilbur simp: dont we all 

quackmeister: i am so fucking confused 

THEBLADE: it's better that you dont know. 

THEBLADE: i envy you. 

THEBLADE: anyway, i'm going to add eret. 

_THEBLADE added your highness to the chat_

wilbur simp: hi eret 

your highness: why are you saying hi to me im literally right next to you 

wilbur simp: im trying to be polite dick 

tubbox: eret wakes up and chooses violence 

tubbox: you look pretty today bu the way eret!! 

your highness: thank you tubbo 

schaltt: whos eret 

quackmeister: seconded 

big man: the tall lad that was in the heels when the ranboo fiasco happened 

big man: they go by any pronouns 

THEBLADE: if you're rude to eret i will kill you personally. 

schaltt: woah woah calm down stabby 

quackity: nice to meet you eret 

your highness: you too

_6:03 A.M._

gogy: i am so fucking pissed 

gogy: dream is in my apartment 

gogy: eating my food and trying to convince me to go camping 

karlos: come on george 

karlos: go camping with us 

sappitus nappitus: yeah george 

tubbox: whats so bad abot camping grge 

gogy: eveydbrbejejsb

karlos: uh oh dream got him

dreamy creamy: george has been captured

dreamy creamy: he will go camping with us whether he likes it or not 

gogy: i hate you 

dreamy creamy: you love us 

furry: quackity fell asleep 

furry: on my fucking couch 

schaltt: you cant see me but im laughing at your expense 

furry: schlatt if you dont come get your twink ill stab him 

schaltt: do it


	23. furry: dream i can see the top of your head from here

_6:57 A.M._

THEBLADE: tommy keeps putting horrible cereals in the cart. 

big man: dont be a hypocrite were only here because you wanted peeps 

tubbox: come onn i want to try the sour patch kisd sereal 

ranbonk: yeah i want to see how bad it is

THEBLADE: these children will be the death of me. 

THEBLADE: tommy if you get a sugar rush i will leave you in the middle of nowhere 

big man: fair enough 

_7:21 A.M._

furry: dream i can see the top of your head from here 

dreamy creamy: what?? 

furry: why do you have a small child over your shoulder 

dreamy creamy: thats george 

furry: haha hes tiny 

schaltt: youre one to talk

furry: i could kill you from here you timb wearing freak 

schaltt: keep my timbs out of this 

quackmeister: is anyone else worried about where fundy is??

quackmeister: eh2i2iwishshzv

tubbox: oh no 

big man: quackity is dead crab rave

quackmeister: IM NOT DEAD HE DIVE BOMBED ME 

furry: you have ten seconds to run duck boy

quackmeister: OH SHIT 

THEBLADE: looks like you guys are having fun. /s

dreamy creamy: arent you supposed to be driving

THEBLADE: nah eret's driving. 

big man: they shoved me in the trunk 

THEBLADE: what else were we supposed to do strap you onto the roof 

big man: yes 

THEBLADE: well maybe we'll do that on the way home if we don't forget you on purpose.

big man: dadza would never leave me 

THEBLADE: are you sure about that?


	24. wilbur simp: what would dadza think

_7:43 A.M._

THEBLADE: we almost got lost but we made it. 

THEBLADE: sapnap if you even think about touching the peeps i will cut your hands off.

sappitus nappitus: damb bruh 

wilbur simp: hes very serious about peeps 

ranbonk: is it just me or is there muffled screaming in the distance?? 

tubbox: TOMMY 

tubbox: WE LEDT HIM IN TE TRUNK

wilbur simp: shit

your highness: would it be bad if we just left him there 

wilbur simp: what would dadza think 

THEBLADE: hes literally right next to us laughing his ass off

big man: FUCKING LET ME OUT OF HERE ASS ILL PISS IN HERE 

furry: how do you forget a whole child

THEBLADE: i knew he was still in there. 

wilbur simp: why didnt you say anything??? 

THEBLADE: thought it was funny. 

big man: i am laughing so hard right now /s 

big man: LET ME OUT YOU FUCK 

_8:03 A.M._

quackmeister: dream when were you going to tell us this is private property 

dreamy creamy: i thought the no trespassing sign made it clear? 

dreamy creamy: anyway its finee 

dreamy creamy: ive done this before, the old guy that owns the property is chill with it

dreamy creamy: i think

quackmeister: YOU THINK?!

schaltt: haha twink might get shot 

furry: youre a twink schlatt 

schaltt: at least im not a ginger 

furry: say that again and ill give you a bald spot

schaltt: oo kinky

THEBLADE: why are you guys texting we're literally all in the same fifty yard radius. 

sappitus nappitus: what the fuck are you saying what the fuck is a yard 

karlos: like the grass out front of a house 

THEBLADE: why do i communicate with imbiciles.

wilbur simp: shut up english major(derogatory) 

THEBLADE: says the theater major. 

schaltt: youre a theater major?? i dont think we can see eachother anymore 

wilbur: schlatt wait dont go- 

quackmeister: QUIT FUCKING CHEATING ON ME 

schaltt: what do you mean youre the only one for me guapito 

big man: do you think there are women here 

tubbox: we could put a bear in a wig? 

big man: no need i brought hot girl

ranbonk: YOU BROUGHT THE SNAKE??

big man: what ranboo are you afraid of snakes, pussy

ranbonk: no 

big man: are you sure about that 

your highness: why is ranboo shrieking

THEBLADE: tommy. 

THEBLADE: stop harassing ranboo. 

big man: but technoo 

THEBLADE: don't make me get the orphan slayer. 

tubbox: now tommy is screaming 

gogy: cant i get a moment of peace? i just want to sleep at least 

dreamy creamy: no not allowed 

gogy: i could have you arrested for kidnapping 

dreamy creamy: if they could catch me (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the updates have slowed down a bit im kind of sort of working on a karlnap fic oops


	25. THEBLADE: we lost tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THERE WAS NO UPDATE YESTERDAY MY DUMBASS FUCKING FORGOT TO POST IT OOPS

_8:47 A.M._

dreamy creamy: who wants to go ~hiking~ 

ranbonk: ew hiking 

gogy: seconded 

karlos: ill go ig 

sappitus nappitus: any excuse to smoke pot 

big man: me and tubbo are going 

THEBLADE: yeah you need to sweat out all that sugar from those damn cereals. 

big man: i literally saw you shove a whole sleeve of peeps in your mouth shut up

your highness: ill go 

wilbur simp: dadza says hes coming too 

dreamy creamy: perfect does that mean just gogy and ranboo are staying? 

karlos: yeah i guess 

gogy: ranboo, youre a polite and quiet kid right? 

ranbonk: id like to think so 

gogy: oh thank god 

gogy: i can get some sleep 

_10:23 A.M._

THEBLADE: we lost tommy.

karlos: how do you lose a 6'3 kid 

sappitus nappitus: yeah especially a loud one 

THEBLADE: were creating a trail of sour patch kid cereal to try and lead him back to the tent. 

wilbur simp: phil is freaking out

wilbur simp: i knew we should have brought the monkey leash 

schaltt: ha i knew tommy was a leash kid 

THEBLADE: he should still be one. 

quackmeister: i thought i heard him shouting about finding women earlier?? 

ranbonk: its okay im sure hes fine

tubbox: what if we cant find him becaus hes in th sky 

tubbox: in the trees 

THEBLADE: tubbo youre a genius.

THEBLADE: dream, fundy, start climbing theres a british child to find. 

dreamy creamy: ha this is like manhunt 

karlos: didnt you almost actually die last time we did manhunt 

quackmeister: oh god 

quackmeister: YOURE THE ONE WHO DID MANHUNT?? THE FUCKING SCHOOL WAS TRASHED FOR A WEEK

schaltt: i didnt have to go to class because of that, thanks

dreamy creamy: no problem 

furry: i think i hear him screaming 

sappitus nappitus: are you guys fucking texting while parkouring from the trees 

THEBLADE: yes. 

furry: found him 

furry: hes trying to fight an eagle it looks like 

furry: hes losing


	26. schaltt: i thank god every day im not an orphan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the adhds been going wild recently and i completely forgot this existed for a few days im so sorry homies

_11:03 A.M._

ranbonk: im hungry

ranbonk: but tommy wont let me near the fucking food

ranbonk: because i am a "snake hater" i dont even hate snakes

big man: you hurt hot girls feelings 

ranbonk: how do you know

big man: we have a telepathic bond 

wilbur simp: and they say im the crazy sibling /s

ranbonk: technooo :((

THEBLADE: what's wrong boo? 

ranbonk: tommy wont let me near the food :(

THEBLADE: tommy. 

big man: you dont scare me 

THEBLADE: i will retrieve the orphan slayer 

schaltt: i thank god every day im not an orphan 

THEBLADE: would you like to be? 

furry: wow i think thats the first time ive heard schlatt scream like a little girl 

gogy: if you guys dont shut the fuck up i WILL go back to jail 

quackmeister: g 

quackmeister: GO BACK??? 

gogy: youd be first 

quackmeister: literally everyone here is so scary 

quackmeister: i am just not going to sleep 

furry: if you do that how am i supposed to throw your sleeping bag in the lake 

quackmeister: why did i agree to come here i- 

furry: you would have came if you liked it or not

_11:43 P.M_

dreamy creamy: i think it might be time to divvy up rooms 

dreamy creamy: i think up to 3 people can fit in one room

karlos: me and sapnap are sharing

quackmeister: can i pls join you i think fundy will try and kill me 

sappitus nappitus: sure homie we can cuddle and everything 

furry: looks like its you and me schlatt 

schaltt: only if we can put our sleeping bags together 

furry: sure

furry: only if you have socks on though

schaltt: who the fuck sleeps with socks on 

ranbonk: me 

schaltt: .. 

THEBLADE: youre smarter than you look schlatt.

tubbox: me n d tommy will share a room 

dreamy creamy: george can we share a room 

dreamy creamy: oh i think hes alseep guess were roomies whether he likes it or not

your highness: ill take my own room 

THEBLADE: seconded.

ranbonk: thirded 

ranbonk: that sounds stupid 

wilbur simp: dadza and i will share 

dreamy creamy: ok pog

dreamy creamy: now who wants to see me speedrun passing the fuck out 

ranboo wakes up with a start, cold and sweaty. his breathing is quick as he desperately tries to figure out why he woke up. it must have been a nightmare, he thinks. he's glad he can't remember it. 

there's a rustling somewhere near his sleeping bag and ranboo stills, brain still working overtime. to him, the most reasonable assumption was that he was going to die. 

he lets out a shriek when he feels something touch him through the sleeping bag, scrambles out of it quickly. it's dark in his part of the tent, he can't see anything. 

he shrieks again when the flap to his room of the tent opens, closes his eyes and tries to make himself as small as possible in hopes maybe they wouldn't see him. 

his eyes open when he hears techno's sleep ridden voice mutter a "what's wrong, ranboo?" ranboo looks up to see the man with messy hair and an electric lantern in hand. 

"there- something touched me. oh my god i thought i was going to die." ranboo's voice shakes almost as much as his body does, his shirt sticking to his frame with sweat. now that he's started to calm down he feels an ache in his ribs and a soreness all over. 

techno shuffles over to him, hes sort of squinting, he forgot his glasses in his haste to get to ranboo. that fact settles funny in ranboo's chest. techno really cared about him, didn't he? 

techno looks over him, checking for new injuries. "are you hurt?" he asks and ranboo shakes his head, he doesn't know why he lies. maybe it's to avoid techno worrying about him more. techno then turns his attention to the rest of the tent room. the light catches on something scaled. 

"hot girl." techno says. "tommy's fucking snake got out." he grumbles. speak of the devil, the sleepy blonde appeared in the entrance to the tent room. 

"what's going on?" asks tubbo from behind him, they decided to share the room across from ranboo's since ranboo's was the last on one side and techno took the one next to his. "your fucking snake got out." techno says, pointing to said snake. "why did you get an albino one anyway? those red eyes creep me out." tommy laughs. "i remembered how upset you always used to be that you didn't know any other kids with albinism, and when i saw hot girl i figured you might like her." he says with a shrug, moving forward and scooping the snake up. techno finds himself almost choked up at his brothers response. "what the hell am i supposed to say to that? now i feel like an ass." the pink haired man grumbles, making tommy laugh. "goodnight." tommy says, prompting tubbo to also say a goodnight as they both shuffled off to bed.

techno looks back at ranboo. "do you want to sleep in my room, kid?" techno asks, and ranboo nods quickly, picking up his sleeping bag and pillow and following techno. 

"do you want me to leave the lantern on?" techno asks as soon as the younger was comfortable in his sleeping bag. ranboo huffs. "i'm not a little kid." techno laughs. "i know, i know." he says, but he still leaves the lantern on, crawling back into his own sleeping bag. and if ranboo is second grateful he left it on, that's his secret to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways what do you think about techno calling ranboo boo. i have this hc that whenever ranboos sad they watch monsters inc so techno started calling him boo. i am just a sucker for technosoft


	27. dreamy creamy: this was a ploy to get bad and skeppy here

_6:23 A.M._

quackmeister: who the fuck ordered a pizza in the middle of the fucking woods?? 

quackmeister: and why the fuck is bad delivering it??? 

dreamy creamy: oh shit yeah i forgot to tell yall he started working for the pizza place i order from 

dreamy creamy: tell him ill paypal him extra for the drive 

karlos: he looks so exasperated 

karlos: the pizza is cold

karlos: bad says this means we get it free 

sappitus nappitus: whoo free pizza 

dreamy creamy: its anchovy 

dreamy creamy: this was a ploy to get bad and skeppy here

karlos: skeppy?? 

dreamy creamy: wherever bad goes skeppy goes

dreamy creamy: and bad said he was working so he couldnt come so.. 

dreamy creamy: GRAB THEM BEFORE THEY ESCAPE

sappitus nappitus: i dont fucking get paid enough for this 

karlos: he pays you?? feeling betrayed 

_dreamy creamy added muffinhead + skippy_

muffinhead: dream i could get fired 

dreamy creamy: nah i checked with your boss he said its fine 

sappitus nappitus: ah the benefits of being the main reason a pizza place is still in business 

ranbonk: who the fuck are you 

muffinhead: language !

ranbonk: oh sorry 

ranbonk: *whom the fuck are you 

THEBLADE: skeppy. 

skippy: techno 

tubbox: tubbo :))

schaltt: what is going on anymore 

schaltt: i am so fucking tired fundy kept trying to maul me 

furry: no comment 

sappitus nappitus: did you get him his rabies shot 

furry: i will get you 

sappitus nappitus: if you can reach me 

sappitus nappitus: 5'4" headass 

sappitus nappitus: should have drunk more milk 

dreamy creamy: its true im so tall because i drink a gallon a day 

karlos: thats just 

karlos: and you wonder why we want to put you on my strange addiction 

gogy: you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up 

dreamy creamy: you wanna kiss me so bad it makes you look stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> impulsively added two more characters to this bc i am so god damn delirious i havent slept in 27 hours maybe ill regret this later oh well


	28. schaltt: someone fucking help me

_11:43 A.M._

schaltt: someone fucking help me 

schaltt: fundy is latched onto my leg by his teeth 

schaltt: what the fuck kind of genetic freak is this guy i cant shake him off

karlos: what did you do to him 

karlos: did you take his squeaky toy? 

sappitus nappitus: not give him enough treats maybe? 

schaltt: shut the fuck up and help me 

karlos: sorry youre out of luck

quackmeister: dhehs what 

quackmeister: what the FUCK?? 

furry: his leg tastes like pant

schaltt: LET GO OF MY FUCKING LEG 

furry: no 

muffinhead: you guys scare me 

skippy: why is there a honking snake staring at me 

big man: HOT GIRL 

tubbox: how dkes she keep escaping i literlay put a big rock on her enclosure lid

wilbur simp: her name should be houdini 

THEBLADE: maybe there's a hole in the tank?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey kings queens and all mighty overlords, watched fox and the hound just now. fundy is a really good actor <3


	29. big man: tubbo and i just found a random man passed out on the ground??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: dont add another character dont add another character  
> also me: adds awesamdude

_12:03 P.M._

big man: tubbo and i just found a random man passed out on the ground?? 

tubbox: i thought this was private property?

dreamy creamy: it is 

dreamy creamy: was it an old man?? 

tubbox: no 

big man: compared to us, yes 

big man: hes got garishly green hair 

tubbox: tommy is about to kick him to see if hes dead 

dreamy creamy: oh thats sam 

dreamy creamy: i thought he didnt live with his grandpa anymore?? oh well 

dreamy creamy: do you think you can drag him to the campsite 

big man: i guess 

THEBLADE: whos sam

dreamy creamy: oh hes the owner of the propertys grandson 

dreamy creamy: we met him last year when we were trespassing he convinced his grandpa to let us stay 

dreamy creamy: thats why i said im pretty sure its fine were here 

big man: i think hes dead 

dreamy creamy: nah hes just a heavy sleeper

dreamy creamy: he slept through the bear incident no problem, almost got eaten 

karlos: yeah that was funny 

big man: hes heavy 

tubbox: why is he so large 

tubbox: hes almost as tall as ranboo 

ranbonk: oh another tall person 

ranbonk: neat 

dreamy creamy: i might as well add him to the chat for when he wakes up *sigh* 

big man: stop fucking rping 

big man: i hate millennials 

dreamy creamy: you make me cry 

dreamy creamy: why are you so mean to me 

dreamy creamy added awesamdilf to the chat 

your highness: his display name is awesamdilf? really?

schaltt: dilfs love me 

quackmeister: milfs love me 

quackmeister: which is a shame bc im gay 

dreamy creamy: sams gonna be the token straight 

karlos: which is unfortunate hes so sexy 

sappitus nappitus: the biggest dilf ive ever met 

furry: doesnt dilf imply he has a kid?? 

dreamy creamy: nah hes just the dad friend of literally everyone he meets 

tubbox: what is a dilf 

tubbox: what is a milf

big man: well you see

schaltt: no dont tell him 

schaltt: he will learn at his own time


	30. THEBLADE: what kind of maniac wrestles a rabid honey badger

_1:15 P.M._

ranbonk: hey lol

ranbonk: how would one go about removing a honey badger from your tent 

wilbur simp: what did you do

ranbonk: GEORGE LEFT THE TENT FLAP OPEN OH MY GOD

ranbonk: i think it's in phils room- 

ranbonk: someone help me 

ranboo is shrieking, he can't help himself, there is a _fucking badger_ in the tent with them. george is cowering behind him, using the quite frankly insane height difference to his advantage.

"george! you made your bed now lie in it." ranboo says, trying to turn his head far enough to look at the shorter man. "you're the more intimidating one." he says, shoving ranboo closer to the room the thing is in, ranboo hears skittering, and then there's an angry looking honey badger staring him down. 

he screams. "fuck i think it has rabies!" he shouts, his attempt to scramble back blocked by george. "i don't have my rabies shot!" george yells back, he sounded like he was on the verge of pissing his pants. ranboo was in the same boat.

ranboo blinks and then there's a messy green haired man, his name was sam he thinks, is squaring up with the badger. this cannot end well, ranboo thinks. 

it ends surprisingly well, by the time techo and dream show up sam has the thing in a headlock and is carrying it out of the tent. "pink and green.." dream mutters, looking between a sleepy sam and a bewildered techno. "cosmo and wanda." ranboo snorts at that.

_1:41 P.M._

THEBLADE: what kind of maniac wrestles a rabid honey badger 

karlos: what?? 

awesamdilf: the tall child seemed distressed 

awesamdilf: i was still half asleep 

awesamdilf: i dont even have a rabies shot haha

sappitus nappitus: ah a fellow who isnt up to date on shots 

karlos: oh sams known to do that 

karlos: thats what he did with the bear, actually 

karlos: after he woke up to almost being mauled 

quackmeister: he WRESTLING a BEAR??

sappitus nappitus: oh so i didnt hallucinate that part 

awesamdilf: it was only a cub 

schaltt: can you wrestle fundy im convinced he is secretly a wild animal 

furry: i will bite your fingers off 

schaltt: how will i eat bugles then

furry: thats a you problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shouts outs to the homies in the comments that use tone markers ily


	31. big man: tgis is tubbo tommys stuck in a tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? considering adding the platonic coparenting tag bc im thinking about sam also adopting ranboo bc he deserves two good dads?? its more likely than you think

_1:58 P.M._

ranbonk: sam i owe my life to you

awesamdilf: it was no biggie 

THEBLADE: ..

wilbur simp: uh oh hes jealous

THEBLADE: no. 

wilbur simp: suree 

big man: tgis is tubbo tommys stuck in a tree

big man: like litraly in a tree 

big man: a hollow tree

THEBLADE: i'll bring the axe. 

quackmeister: you brought an AXE??! 

THEBLADE: yes. one needs to be prepared. 

quackmeister: FOR WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones short bc next chapters gonna be ranboo angst <3


	32. the one where theres no texts to make the chapter title

it's the fourth time in the five days they've been camping that ranboo has woken up full on sobbing. he'd started sneaking back to his original tent room after techno fell asleep on the second night, he hadn't want to let on that something was wrong and sneaking around him was easy enough. the man was already so nice to him, he shouldn't have to deal with this too. so he sits in the near freezing room curled into himself and cries as quietly as possible. if it was up to him no one would ever know, he didn't want to be a nuissance. 

there's a tap on the flap that cuts his room off from the rest of the tent, and then it opens to reveal sam. ranboo quickly wipes his tears, hiccuping slightly. "wh- what?" ranboo asks, and sam sighs slightly. 

"i'm guessing you don't want to talk about what's bothering you?" he asks, and the younger shakes his head. "alright, well at least come have a snack with me, c'mon. i think this room is the coldest in the whole damn tent." sam says, offering ranboo a hand that he takes. the boy gets up on wobbly legs. "christ your hands are cold." sam mutters, making ranboo laugh wetly. 

sam wraps him in a fluffy blanket he'd nabbed from george, he's sure he wouldn't miss one of ten of them, and burns himself on the hotplate he has set up in the corner while attempting to make hot chocolate. "i think i have a few movies downloaded on my laptop if you want to find one to watch." sam says while glaring at the hotplate that had just burnt him a third time. 

ranboo nods and mutters a small "okay" before grabbing said laptop and looking through his collection. "these are all pirated aren't they?" ranboo asks, eyeing the suspicious download names. sam nods and laughs. "down with capatlism." ranboo laughs too, and his face brightens when he finds monsters inc., he'd had a dvd of it until he played it so much it didn't work anymore. he'd watched it with techno a few times, too. 

sam hands him a paper cup of cocoa and mutters a "careful it's hot." and sits down next to him as ranboo presses play. ranboo fell asleep halfway through the film, leaning against sam. sam paused the movie and carefully tucked ranboo in to avoid waking him up, the poor kid looked _tired._

how long had he been struggling with sleeping? sam figured a few lost hours of sleep would be worth it if the kid had at least one good nights sleep. so he leans against the tent wall and sighs, vagely considering if sleeping on the tent ground would be worth the back pain he'd get in the morning. _god, he was getting old._


	33. wilbur simp: something is wrong with the force

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one made me cry a bit 

_7:42 A.M._

THEBLADE: where's ranboo?? 

awesamdilf: oh he fell asleep watching monsters inc i think hes still in my room 

awesamdilf: i found him crying last night and he was freezing so i stole one of georges blankets and made him hot chocolate 

gogy: so that's where that went

gogy: i expect it back, fucker

wilbur simp: something is wrong with the force

wilbur simp: i feel a great presence 

big man: stop being a fucking dweeb 

wilbur simp: i saw you eat mud yesterday -_-

schaltt: i love you but please never use emoticons again 

wilbur simp: >_< whats wrong with them 

schaltt: i hate you

wilbur simp: T-T

techno is jealous, something he will like never admit. it's stupid, he really shouldn't be. but ranboo seemed closer to a guy he just met than him. sam couldn't be that cool, could he? 

god this is so fucking stupid, its absurd how upset he is over this. he should be fucking glad ranboo is socializing and shit but he couldn't. the kid he saw as his clearly didn't really trust him. 

he'd snuck out of the room while he was asleep, who knows how long he'd been doing that, just to avoid him for some reason. but beyond fucking anything else, he's mad at himself. he should have realized something was up, right? he was just a fucking bad gaurdian at this point god he didn't deserve that title. techno belatedly realized he was crying when phil wiped them away with a concerned look. 

"what's wrong?" his father asks, and techno practically collapses into his arms. "i'm a bad dad, aren't i, phil?" he mutters into his father's shirt, and phil has to strain to hear him. "i didn't notice something was wrong with ranboo when a guy who's only been around a day instantly noticed." phil runs a hand through his sons hair. 

"oh techno no, it's not your fault. it's hard to know what someone's going through if they don't tell you. and just because they don't tell you doesn't mean they don't trust you either." he says, trying his best to reassure his son. 

8:32 A.M.

wilbur simp: there really is something wrong here and i cant tell what 

wilbur simp: i am going to do some detective work 

wilbur simp: who wants in 

furry: me im bored 

karlos: me too i love gossip

ranbonk: are the vibes off?

ranbonk: who failed the vibe check??

wilbur simp: thats what were trying to figure out 

skippy: what the fuck is a vibe check 

muffinhead: LANGUAGE 

skippy: *what the heck is a vibe check

muffinhead: better =)

awesamdilf: maybe its george 

gogy: no 

gogy: give me back my fucking blanket 

awesamdilf: its ranboos now oh well 

gogy: damn you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> techno angst time, i been waiting for this one. this was NOT the way i expected camping to go horribly wrong oh my god.


	34. wilbur simp: so the vibes are off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall tw for a panic attack at the end of this chap, if you cant read i understand there will be a summary of it at the end notes stay safe ily <3

_4:21 P.M._

wilbur simp added furry, karlos, + your highness 

wilbur simp: so the vibes are off 

wilbur simp: we are going to get to the bottom of this 

furry: so whats the game plan 

karlos: what fundy said 

wilbur simp: we are going to do some espionage 

your highness: i hate to rain on your parade but its clear what the problem is 

wilbur simp: really?? what is it???

your highness: techno is jealous of sam 

your highness: because he practically instantaneously imprinted on that green haired menace 

karlos: menace?? 

your highness: hes making my friend sad, menace 

furry: hmm now that you mention it techno kind of has been ignoring sam and by proxy ranboo 

furry: i think this is going to go very bad

your highness: technos been avoiding everyome 

your highness: i dont think hes left his room at all today 

wilbur simp: maybe we should talk to phil? 

_4:41 P.M._

_private message between ranbonk + Dadza_

ranbonk: is techno mad at me??

ranbonk: hes been avoiding me 

ranbonk: and i dont know what i did wrong 

Dadza: oh no ranboo

Dadza: hes nod mad at you 

Dadza: you didnt do anything wrong, alright?

ranbonk: yeah okay 

ranboo does not believe him, doesn't believe him at all. what else could it be? techno was mad at him. his mind raced as to what he possibly could have done. had he talked back one too many times? did he say something to make him angry? had techno just gotten sick of him? oh god. _oh, god techno had gotten sick of him and he was going to go into the system, he was going to go into the system and he would never see techno again and he didn't know what he did wrong._

ranboo is hyperventilating, hands tugging on his hair harshly. tears spilled onto his cheeks. he was having a panic attack, he vaguely realized, did techno think he was a crybaby? was that why techno was avoiding him? because he couldn't go a single day without crying his eyes out? 

_he hates him, he hates him, ranboo's convinced._ oh techno hates him and he'll never know why because he'll be put in a foster home that will never live up to techno and _it's ranboo's fault. it's all his fault._ he'd fucked up and made techno mad and now he'd be all alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the summary: ranboo thinks techno is mad at him and it causes him to spiral, he is straight up not having a good time.   
> next chapter will be sam once again comforting him and maybe confronting techno aha ha.


	35. awesamdilf: we need to fucking talk

sam's "distressed child" alarm bell is ringing loudly in his head. his first thought is ranboo as he practically sprints back to the tent to check on him. he finds a pitiful looking ranboo who looks way younger than he is. 

sam crouches infront of the boy with soft eyes, and gently removes his hands from his hair. "hey, kid, what's wrong?" he asks, instead of an answer he gets ranboo burying himself into sam's chest, almost instantly soaking his shirt with tears. "hey, its okay." sam says softly, trying his best to soothe ranboo. 

"no its not." ranboo says through hiccups, the sobbing hurt his chest but he couldn't stop. "why not, kiddo?" he asks, wrapping his arms around the boy. "techno's mad at- at me." the syllables are drawn out and he's struggling to breath as he speaks. "i- i don't know what i did. he's going to sent me a- away." the thought only makes him cry harder. 

sam feels a spike of anger, but pushes it down in favor of comforting the younger. he can deal with being angry later. 

eventually, ranboo calms down. it takes a while and a lot of soothing words. sam feels exhausted, and apparently so did ranboo, seeing as the boy was now once again sound asleep ontop of sam's sleeping bag. 

it was now or never to deal with this techno shit. 

_5:56 P.M._

_private message between awesamdilf and THEBLADE_

awesamdilf: we need to fucking talk

awesamdilf: now 

awesamdilf: because im going to be honest right now i want to fucking kill you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha this hurts to write why am i doing this to myself. the girls are fightingg


	36. THEBLADE: i'm not one to judge murderous rages but what the fuck did i do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall just wanted to put a tw here for mentions of past abuse and a sort of dissociative episode. stay safe homies ily

_6:01 P.M._

_private message between awesamdilf and THEBLADE_

THEBLADE: i'm not one to judge murderous rages but what the fuck did i do.

awesamdilf: im not talking about this over text

awesamdilf: be on the edge of the treeline outside the tent in ten minutes 

awesamdilf: i need to know if i have a valid reason to punch you in the face or not 

techno sighs staring down at the texts. what the fuck did he do to that green haired menace? could he get away with just ignoring him? he feels like he might cry at the thought of even seeing him near ranboo. 

_fuck. he might as well get this over with._ he places his phone on his sleeping bag and stretches when he gets up, slipping on his shoes. he decided against a jacket, figuring it'd be fine. 

when he approaches the treeline sam is already there, leaning against a tree. it's a stark difference, sam now from when techno first saw him. techno's first impression of him was a messy haired college student that was probably stupid, now techno fought a shiver at the glare the green haired man was shooting at him. 

"i've got a bone to pick with you." sam says, kicking off the tree, his arms are crossed. "what the fuck did you say to ranboo to make him freak out like that? he thinks you hate him." techno's whole world sort of crumbles at that. 

"what?" he asks, his brain is having a hard time processing what's going on. "i haven't- i haven't spoken to ranboo today." techno stutters, he has to force the words out. he doesn't want to fucking be here. 

sam sighs angrily. "so you've been ignoring him." he says in a monotone voice, it's the only way he can keep the anger from seeping in. techno shakes his head. "i- haven't. i would never-" oh this is not good. 

here sam is, in all his stupid fucking green haired glory reminding him he's shit at this parental guardian thing. he wants to be good for ranboo, christ, he really _really_ does. but can he be? he's fucked up in his own ways, can't even bear the thought of ranboo possibly wanting a different guardian than him. 

"that kid obviously fucking cares about you, asshole. i had to work him down from a panic attack because of you." he'd caused ranboo a panic attack. great, really. he was no better than his biological father, wasn't he? he'd fallen into it no matter how hard he'd fought it. ended up just like him even though he hadn't wanted to. 

techno opens his mouth, tries to force words out. he can't. christ, he wants to speak. want's to tell sam he didn't mean to, he'd never forgive himself. he want's to curl up in the dirt and turn into plant food. anything to be away from here. 

god, techno really needs to get it together. he's supposed to be a man now, supposed to be strong and unafraid and yet here, infront of a man that looks younger than him and is nowhere near his strength he cowers. it's like hes thirteen and trying to make himself as small as possible despite the seven inch growth spurt he'd just had, trying not to garner unwanted attention from the man he was supposed to call dad. 

techno wants to leave god he wants _out_. he want's phil to come rescue him like he had at thirteen, barely a few inches taller than techno was but still so _big, he'd looked like an angel there to take him away._

when he looks back up to sam, the man is talking. techno can't hear him, doesn't care what he's saying. he knows. he knows sam must think he's an ass, that he doesn't deserve to be ranboo's guardian. techno agrees. _god he fucking agrees._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one made me CRY cry. i had i bet on losing dogs playing on repeat while i wrote this, so if u want to enhance the experience i recommend playing it in the background.


	37. awesamdilf: i think i broke techno

sam's anger melts away when he see's techno's reaction. oh, he'd gotten this all wrong, hadn't he? shit. "techno?" he asks, waving his hand infront of techno's face, the pink haired man doesn't respond, just sort of stares blankly at the hand. 

"hey, what's wrong? shit. oh i fucked this up. hey it's alright, i'm sure you can sort this stuff with ranboo out." he tries to soothe.

techno flinches hard when sam tries to put a hand on his shoulder, sam winces. shit shit shit. he broke techno. 

_6:26 P.M._

awesamdilf: i think i broke techno

awesamdilf: someone help 

wilbur simp: oh shit whats wrong 

awesamdilf: hes zoning out? i dont think he can hear me and he flinched when i tried to touch him

wilbur simp: okay okay uhh 

wilbur simp: get him back to the tent

wilbur simp: tommy 

big man: yeah wil 

wilbur simp: go get technos weighted blanket from the car

wilbur simp: ill get dad

your highness: sam what the FUCK did you do 

awesamdilf: oh shit please dont be mad at me it wasnt on purpose 

awesamdilf: i sort of misunderstood a situation okay 

awesamdilf: and i confronted him and i think i said something 

awesamdilf: im so sorry 

your highness: sleep with one eye open

your highness: ill get ranboo

your highness: it seems like they need some bonding 

your highness: youre not getting away from this either you green haired menace 

tubbox: ill get all the snacks

karlos: sap and i will wrangle the blankets away from george 

awesamdilf: whats going on 

big man: movie marathon, asshole

big man: its what we do to calm techno down

big man: he likes to pretend he doesnt like us but we know spending time with us helps

big man: welcome to the tradition, bitch

dreamy creamy: oh geoorgee

gogy: i get it i get it, be nice for once 

gogy: you owe me 

wilbur simp: everyone meet in phils room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is sort of fluff thats setting up for a really fluffy next chapter. im so sorry yall i got so much angst inspiration, it will be better soon until it once again isnt better


	38. the fluff that yall deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🤲*hands this to u* i am so sorry for causing emotional distress these last few chapters.

eret peeks their head into sam's tent room, finding a half asleep ranboo. they enter the room and crouch down next to him. "hey," eret says, poking ranboo in the cheek. "get up we're doing a movie marathon." ranboo groans, swats their hand away. 

"i will pick you up." eret threatens, making ranboo groan and sit up, rubbing his eyes slightly. "what's going on?" he asks, forgetting the first thing eret told him. 

"movie marathon." eret hums, and ranboo falters slightly. "what's wrong with techno?" he asks, and eret sighs. "something happened between him and sam, i think he could use your company more than anyone elses." eret looks annoyed when they bring up sam. 

"are you sure?" the younger asks in a small voice, and eret nods. 

ranboo takes a deep breath and pushes aside whatever reservations he has, if eret thinks techno wants to see him they must be right. eret helps him up and ranboo wraps the blanket around his shoulders, shuffling out of the room behind eret. 

they're the last to enter the room, pillows and blankets strewn all over the floor. bad and skeppy are in one corner, george, dream, sap and karl are all tangled together, so are quackity, fundy and schlatt. wil and tommy are leaning on either side of phil, tubbo clinging to tommy's middle. eret and ranboo climb over them to get to techno, eret sits behind him, moving his small braid so they could rest their chin on his shoulder. 

techno looks up at ranboo, and ranboo smiles at him, when techno smiles back ranboo's nerves are quelled. he practically lays across techno. 

sam is standing awkwardly in a corner, twiddling his thumbs. "saamm." ranboo calls, "come sit with us." ranboo makes grabby hands at him, making him laugh. "okay, okay." he mutters, stepping over a sea of people to get to them, ranboo lifting his legs up so he could sit and placing them back down as soon as hes sat on the pillow next to techno. 

he and techno lock eyes for a second, a silent apology. 

"what movie are we going to watch?" tubbo asks. "killer bean!" quackity shouts, fundy glares at him. "treasure planet!" phil laughs.

"we can watch both." he says. 

"i want to watch monsters inc." ranboo says, and sam huffs. "didn't you just watch that?" he asks. "one can never watch monsters inc. too often." the boy says with a grin, causing techno to snort.


	39. karlos: bruh momenting in the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annddd we are back to regularly scheduled programming

_10:42 A.M._

awesamdilf: fuck im getting to old to sleep on basically the ground 

THEBLADE: agreed.

schaltt: same 

quackmeister: cannot relate 

schaltt: i hate you

furry: just make a person bed next time idiot 

schaltt: not all of us are small enough to pull that off

wilbur simp: yeah some of us are cursed with being tall 

your highness: is no one going to talk about how skeppy and bad fell holding hands 

your highness: because i have a picture 

furry: fuck yeah blackmail 

muffinhead: language!! 

ranbonk: he seems embarrassed 

skippy: what do you have a crush on me or something 

muffinhead: wh 

muffinhead: of course not 

skippy: im kidding im kidding

THEBLADE: and so collectively, the rest of them who weren't oblivious skeppy and bad screamed. 

karlos: bruh momenting in the chat 

dreamy creamy: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING MR "I TALK ABOUT KISSING SAPNAP ALL THE TIME BUT NEVER DO" 

sappitus nappitus: ok clay "oh my god george is so pretty" manhunt 

ranbonk: ive started a war 

tubbox: what is going on 

THEBLADE: it's like i never left middle school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thought it was important to share that my good friend xavier who proofreads this for me said to me, in the midst of the angst going on the last few chapters. "so youre just gonna raw dog us with no aftercare?" and thats why you guys got fluff everyone say thanks xavier


	40. gogy: im so tired of fucking living in a tent

_1:22 P.M._

gogy: im so tired of fucking living in a tent 

gogy: dream let me go home 

dreamy creamy: no 

dreamy creamy: i could use a change of scenery though 

dreamy creamy: i am going to rent a hotel 

quackmeister: wh 

quackmeister: like a few rooms??

dreamy creamy: no the whole hotel 

schaltt: i wish i was that fucking rich 

karlos: yeahh 

karlos: running water pog

sappitus nappitus: so are we rejoining civilization 

schaltt: guess so 

dreamy creamy: start packing 

dreamy creamy: were going on a roadtrip 

ranbonk: ive never been to a hotel before

big man: really 

big man: sad 

awesamdilf: hanging out with you is bad for my health 

awesamdilf: im getting to old for this 

dreamy creamy: youre the same age as me shut up 

muffinhead: dream 

muffinhead: MY JOB 

dreamy creamy: you wont get fired i already told you that 

skippy: i hate you all i think

skippy: except you bad 

furry: oh my GOD just kiss already 

your highness: dream how are you so rich when you spend so much money all the time 

dreamy creamy: i dont know 

dreamy creamy: i dont know how money works either 

THEBLADE: why am i associated with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo theyre going to rent out a hotel now what will they destroy first


	41. quackmeister: i almost just died

_2:57 P.M._

big man: i need to piss

big man: TECHNO PULL OVER I NEED TO PISS

karlos: youre in the same car why are you texting him 

big man: he cant hear my screaming from the trunk

ranbonk: ill tell him

big man: thank you 

ranbonk: he says theres no gas stations for a few miles 

big man: TELL HIM TO PULL OVER ILL PISS IN THE BUSHES 

karlos: oh my fucking god i hate kids 

gogy: you literally enabled sap into pissing in a bottle on the way to the campsite 

gogy: and when dream went to drink it NEITHER of you stopped him

gogy: pissing in the bushes is nowhere near as bad 

karlos: .. 

karlos: it was funny 

sappitus nappitus: until dream almost threw me out of the car

quackmeister: you just made schlatt laugh so hard we almost crashed 

quackmeister: i almost just died

furry: too bad 

furry: i was hoping i wouldnt have to sit through more of schlatts horrible music taste 

schaltt: take that back motherfucker brittney spears is an icon 

quackmeister: STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING OH MY GOD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this listening to dreams song. stream roadtrip


	42. awesamdilf: we are not obeying the law

_3:22 P.M._

skippy: i have a question 

skippy: how did sam fit in technos car

skippy: there were already six people in a five seat car 

awesamdilf: we are not obeying the law

awesamdilf: im laying on the floorboard

karlos: THE FLOOR BOARD??

awesamdilf: "i cant afford to get my license taken away" -techno 

your highness: its a valid point 

your highness: be glad you arent on the roof 

awesamdilf: eret your shoe is in my stomach 

your highness: hm good 

wilbur simp: damn erets still mad at u, wack 

quackmeister: shit 

quackmeister: we didnt pick who was getting more snacks 

sappitus nappitus: were already at the hotel 

wilbur simp: techno says well do it 

wilbur simp: nows your chance to spend his money any special orders

quackmeister: peeps

sappitus nappitus: reeses 

karlos: beef jerky 

karlos: the teriyaki kind 

gogy: dream says he wants those god awful sweet tarts ropes 

gogy: god what the fuck are american snacks i hate it here 

ranbonk: hey dont slander sweet tarts ropes

gogy: you cant see but i am sticking my tongue out at you 

ranbonk: i am going to throw more tea into the harbor to spite you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real talk i love an appreciate all of yall, youre literally the reason this is still going bc i need constant motivation to even think about completing a fic. yall r that motivation. /gen


	43. awesamdilf: why am i the only sane person here

_4:07 P.M._

ranbonk: the fucking gas station is all out of donettes i might cry 

ranbonk: im not mentally stable enough for this 

karlos: this is so sad 

karlos: pressing f right now 

awesamdilf: THEY HAVE MORE IN STOCK 

awesamdilf: my powers as a fully fledged adult have come in handy 

awesamdilf: crisis averted

THEBLADE: for once in my life i'm grateful for sam. 

awesamdilf: thanks i guess 

wilbur simp: i am going to buy every single taquito in this place 

big man: hope you get food poisoning xx

tubbox: tommy i cant find the combos 

big man: dont worry i have combos vision ill find them 

furry: what kind of combos

tubbox: cheddar 

furry: you are on thin fucking ice 

your highness: im starting to regret letting three teenagers loose in a gas station with no spending limit 

schaltt: alcohol alcohol 

awesamdilf: no 

your highness: yes 

awesamdilf: why am i the only sane person here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while writing this i was holding back tears because i kept thinking of the "they asked for no pickles" meme but its sam with ranboo and techno behind him


	44. your highness: sam confiscated the alcohol

_5:21 P.M._

wilbur simp: we made it in one piece 

your highness: sam confiscated the alcohol 

your highness: which was a VERY lame move you fucking green twunk 

dreamy creamy: i thought i was the green twunk ): 

your highness: you only wear green it doesnt count 

awesamdilf: twunk?? TWUNK?? 

THEBLADE: take the title with pride. eret called me a twink until i took my shirt off around them. 

your highness: you just radiate twink energy okay

quackmeister: im a twunk 

schaltt: no you arent

schaltt: twink(derogatory)

big man: while you guys argue about that 

big man: ID ONCE AGAIN LIKE TO REMEMIND YOU IM IN THE FUCKING TRUNK STILL

wilbur simp: shit not again

big man: im going to chew a hole through this fucking car 

THEBLADE: dont you dare do that to betty.

awesamdilf: you named your car 

awesamdilf: betty 

awesamdilf: i- 

THEBLADE: she is a classy lady, sam. 

awesamdilf: alright if you say so 

big man: LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAR OR SO HELP ME ILL EAT THESE DAMN SNACKS, ALL OF THEM

your highness: SHIT NOT THE BROWNIES JESUS CHRIST 

your highness: TOMMY IM ON MY WAY STAY OUT OF THE BROWNIES 

awesamdilf: ..

awesamdilf: how the FUCK did you get edibles

your highness: a lady never reveals her secrets sam 

schaltt: thats true i met a lady once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smh not me starting to ship techno and sam in a fic that im literally the author of i- /hj


	45. gogy: i dont get paid enough for this shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS UP TOP BC ITS IMPORTANT WHAT IF I MADE SAM NOOK SAMS TWIN BUT THEY HAVE THE SAME NAME BC THEIR PARENTS DIDNT EXPECT TWO OF THEM AND PANICKED

_5:44 P.M._

big man: theres a hot tub 

big man: tubbo just jumped in with his clothes on 

ranbonk: you pushed him 

big man: he jumped in 

furry: did you commit a murder 

tubbox: im soggy now 

skippy: s 

skippy: soggy 

tubbox: yes 

tubbox: hey tommy do you want a hug 

big man: do not touch me 

big man: i swear to goehejsbenjsa

ranbonk: tubbo tackled him 

ranbonk: oh no i think i might be next 

ranbonk: HELP 

sappitus nappitus: why do i hear shrieking 

gogy: i dont get paid enough for this shit 

gogy: what if i just locked myself in one of the top floor rooms huh 

dreamy creamy: ill scale the building just to annoy you

dreamy creamy: speaking of scaling buildings i need to ask drista how patches is 

furry: how are those two related 

dreamy creamy: accidentally left my key under the inside doormat 

dreamy creamy: she had to use the rope ladder i have on the terrace 

quackmeister: why do you have a rope ladder on your terrace 

dreamy creamy: i forget my key alot 

awesamdilf: burglars could easily get into your house 

dreamy creamy: thats where the knife roombas come in 

awesamdilf: remind me to never go to your apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 45 chaps in and i finally mention patches sbsbsb


	46. dreamy creamy: who wants to have a pool party

_8:59 P.M._

dreamy creamy: who wants to have a pool party 

schaltt: i dont have a swimsuit 

dreamy creamy: taken care of i bought them on the way here 

dreamy creamy: fundy i got you a swim shirt too king 

dreamy creamy: cant believe youre an extra small 

furry: ill kill you 

big man: WHOO I LOVE POOL PARTIES 

gogy: have you ever maybe idk

gogy: considered yk not throwing a pool party at almost 9pm 

dreamy creamy: i will throw you off your balcony into the pool george 

gogy: you wouldnt

dreamy creamy: (: 

gogy: why am i friends with literal crazy people 

awesamdilf: seconded 

awesamdilf: i guess ill go to prevent anyone from fucking drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be pool party. ranboo cant fucking swim, how could this go wrong (:


	47. sappitus nappitus: where the fuck is the pool

_9:17 P.M._

sappitus nappitus: where the fuck is the pool 

sappitus nappitus: karl and i are lost 

dreamy creamy: its literally 

dreamy creamy: YOU GO TO THE LOBBY AND THEN YOU GO OUT THE SIDE DOOR 

dreamy creamy: AND THERES THE POOL I TOLD YOU THAT THREE TIMES 

karlos: were dumb ok 

furry: quackity come get your man he keeps trying to get me to take my shirt off

quackmeister: SCHLATT STOP CHEATING ON ME 

ranboo half glares at tommy and tubbo, who are standing infront of him trying to convince him to come with them to the pool party. "i don't want to." he groans, tubbo shakes him. "come onn, it'll be fun." 

"fine," ranboo gives in. "now leave so i can change." the other two boys cheer, shoving at eachother before leaving the room. 

that's how ranboo ends up on a chair by the pool, grumbling to himself about having more of a spine in tacky bright yellow swim shorts and one of techno's shirts. 

"ranbooo." tommy whines from the pool. "you were supposed to come swim with us." ranboo sticks his tongue out at him. "neither of you specified that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im still debating if i should go easy on yall or not bc i JUST put you through the techno vs. sam ordeal


	48. once again a chapter with no texts to make the title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xavier told me i couldn't do the angst option 😔. BUT i had it half written so i might post it separately just for funzies

there's a shout and a splash that comes from somewhere near the pool, ranboo looks up to see an angry fundy climbing out of the pool. "ha! you look like a drenched cat." schlatt laughs, and fundy charges at him. "shit shit shit!" schlatt yells, running away. 

sam sighs next to him. "this is worse than when i was an actual lifeguard." he mutters. "no running!" he shouts at the two, they don't listen. 

sapnap and karl finally find the pool as schlatt runs past, karl getting knocked into sapnap. they go down like dominoes. "kiss! kiss! kiss!" yells dream from the pool, in the middle of a splash fight. 

"ah, sorry." karl mutters, quickly scrambling off of sapnap. sapnap laughs. "it's fine, dude." he says, then turns his attention to dream.

"im gonna dunk you so hard." sapnap grumbles, jumping into the pool to do just that. 

"where's techno?" wilbur asks, suddenly appearing behind ranboo's pool chair. "he was in the shower when dream had the idea for a pool party, said he'd come down when he was done." ranboo says, turning around to look at wil. "where's phil?" 

wilbur laughs "the old man fell asleep an hour ago." sam snorts. "isn't he only like, what, ten years older than you?" 

the brunette pouts. "don't give me a midlife crisis at twenty, man." 

before sam can respond he's interrupted by yet another shout from fundy, he'd managed to catch schlatt, both of them falling into the pool. "jesus christ! be careful you fucking idiots!" he yells. 

"they're always idiots." says a monotone voice, and sam looks to the side to see techno now in the chair between him and ranboo, still trying to dry his hair with a towel. holy shit why was he so ripped. 

"what?" techno asks, and sam suddenly becomes very aware that hes been staring. "nothing." he says. "i just didn't expect you to be more buff than me." yeah totally not because he found him somewhat attractive. 

techno snorts, and then eret shows up. "technoo. i can't find my hairbrush." they say, sighing dramatically as they lean into him. techno rolls his eyes. "this is a ruse to use my fancy one isn't it?" he asks, and eret bats their eyelashes innocently. "no, never." 

ranboo let's out a squeal as tommy picks him up. "it's pool time!" tommy says, and ranboo tries to escape. 

"i can't swim!" ranboo shouts, and then there's a splash. "shit." tommy mutters. ranboo's hair sticks to his forehead when he emerges from the water. "you are so fucking lucky i'm taller than the water level." ranboo grumbles. 

techno looks like he might have just had a heart attack, quite frankly so does sam. ranboo climbs out of the pool and sits back in his chair. "why the hell do you not know how to swim?" tommy asks, and ranboo huffs. "never learned how to." 

"are you okay?" techno and sam ask at the same time. "i'm fine." ranboo says, and for once he sort of means it.


	49. awesamdilf added thing two to the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sam nook debut

_10:22 A.M._

schaltt: wil how old is your dad 

wilbur simp: .. 

schaltt: not like that 

schaltt: no no it is like that 

schaltt: i come in the kitchen and hes like 'you want something to eat?" and im like 'eat ehat' 

wilbur simp: first of all PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN AND STOP HITTING ON MY DAD 

_11:56 A.M._

sappitus nappitus: i am so fucking high right now

sappitus nappitus: i just saw sam 

karlos: okay?? 

sappitus nappitus: no thats not the weird part 

sappitus nappitus: there was TWO of him 

karlos: sapnap you arent even high right now 

sappitus nappitus: oh yeah 

sappitus nappitus: THEN WHY ARE THERE TWO?? 

awesamdilf: dream how come you didnt tell me you picked the hotel thing two works at 

dreamy creamy: thought itd be funny 

awesamdilf: of course you did

awesamdilf: sam told me you paid him to tackle me is this true 

dreamy creamy: yes 

karlos: wait 

karlos: you're both named sam?? 

big man: unfortunate

awesamdilf: our parents didnt expect two of us 

quackmeister: damn how did you tell who was in trouble 

awesamdilf: thing twos nickname is sam nook 

awesamdilf: speaking of 

_awesamdilf added thing two to the chat_

thing two: which one of you twinks was the one running in the lobby earlier 

dreamy creamy: i think that was skeppy 

skippy: slander 

skippy: it was literally tommy you know it 

thing two: no running in the lobby

dreamy creamy: ok mr mosbey 

thing two: WH 

big man: whos mr mosbey 

big man: also

big man: nook as in sam nook?? that guy used to babysit me and tubbo 

thing two: TOMMY 

tubbox: i thought sam looked familiar 

tubbox: hi nook!! 

thing two: you two are the only exception to the no running rule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sam nook(in this fic he'll primarily be called nook) used to babysit tommy and tubbo when phil was in college, he didn't babysit techno bc techno liked to tag along to phils courses. nook used to let them get away with anything(and probably still will lmao) cause they were like little brothers to him. he only stopped babysitting them bc he and sam moved. also in highschool everyone called sam thing one and nook thing two


	50. karlos: sapnap is stuck in the hotel vents

_1:41 P.M._

_your highness added dreamy creamy, wilbur simp, and ranbonk to the chat_

your highness: to quote dream, "sams the token straight" 

your highness: fucking wrong just saw him trying to flirt with techno 

dreamy creamy: he WHAT 

dreamy creamy: damn now i owe george a hundred bucks 

wilbur simp: poor sam techno is denser than a brick 

ranbonk: why am i here 

your highness: sam is flirting with your dad 

your highness: im going to give him the shovel talk

ranbonk: oh my god 

ranbonk: you dont even know if hes actually flirting 

your highness: he was doing the whole compare hand sizes thing okay i KNOW he was flirting 

dreamy creamy: still reeling over sam not being straight 

dreamy creamy: karl is gonna be devastated to learn he could have shot his shot by now 

_2:12 P.M._

karlos: sapnap is stuck in the hotel vents 

sappitus nappitus: help me stepdream im stuck 

dreamy creamy: first WHAT 

dreamy creamy: secondly you are so stupid i cant believe you got stuck

thing two: why the fuck are you in the vents 

awesamdilf: welcome to the dumbest group of people you will ever know 

tubbox: also tommys hand is stuck in a vase we just found 

thing two: oh christ 

thing two: i want to be mad but i cant 

thing two: hold on ill be right there

sappitus nappitus: what about me 

dreamy creamy: im going to let the rats eat you

thing two: we dont have any rats 

THEBLADE: this isn't a good time but wilbur is stuck in the elevator. 

your highness: of course he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sam went from wanting to beat the shit out of techno in this fic to finding him hot to trying to flirt with him. "this whole technoxsam thing is mainly going to just be sam trying and failing to flirt isnt it?" -xavier while reading the first part of this chapter


	51. wilbur simp: why is techno brooding in the lobby

_3:32 P.M._

_private message between THEBLADE + your highness_

THEBLADE: eret.

THEBLADE: help me, i think i'm feeling emotions.

your highness: oh so youre finally realizing youre a human 

THEBLADE: not helping. 

your highness: yeah yeah 

your highness: seriously though whats up 

THEBLADE: i think i have a crush?

your highness: oh so you finally realize you want to bang sam

THEBLADE: WHAT 

THEBLADE: eret i hate you 

THEBLADE: youre horrible im not talking about this with you 

your highness: no wait come back i want the details 

THEBLADE: too late 

_3:49 P.M._

wilbur simp: why is techno brooding in the lobby 

your highness: hes mad i told him the truth 

your highness: techno if youre reading this sorry not sorry but literally GO FOR IT 

THEBLADE: never talk to me again. /lh

wilbur simp: why did you go to eret for help 

THEBLADE: for some reason i thought they'd be helpful.

your highness: i can be helpful 

your highness: here ill be helpful right now, just do it 

THEBLADE: not helping. 

your highness: cmon big baby what could go wrong

THEBLADE: lots of things. 

your highness: im making the disappointed mother face right now techno 

THEBLADE: good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> techno is one of those "unintentionally flirting but surprisingly good at it" types of people i think


	52. your highness: we need to get sam and techno together or i swear to God i will go insane

_2:22 P.M._

_operation get techno and sam together_

your highness added dreamy creamy, wilbur simp, sappitus nappitus, karlos, + thing two to the chat 

your highness: you are the chosen ones 

your highness: we need to get sam and techno together or i swear to God i will go insane 

wilbur simp: oh is this why techno was brooding 

your highness: yeah he realized he likes sam 

thing two: technos the pink haired one yeah 

dreamy creamy: yeah 

thing two: him and thing one are ogling eachother in the lobby its almost gross

thing two: wish they would just leave already 

wilbur simp: aw it gets good as soon as i leave 

thing two: oh my god this is so embarrassing for them

thing two: THING ONE IS BLUSHING 

thing two: this reminds me of the soap operas my mom used to watch 

sappitus nappitus: sam x techno 400k word enemies to lovers fanfic

karlos: why does ranboo get to have two dads i only have one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i make next chapter whats going on between techno and sam during this chapter


	53. the one where the author has a breakdown in the notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this to prevent myself from having a breakdown because the literal whole 1k chapter of techno+sam content i wrote didnt fucking save. literally heartbroken

_3:32 P.M._

fundy: just drowned a man feeling good

schaltt: quackity is dead crab rave

quackmeister: STOP TELLING PEOPLE IM DEAD 

quackmeister: fundy youre lucky i cant run that fast 

furry: youre lucky youre not floating upside down in the pool right now 

karlos: the twinks are fightinngg 

sappitus nappitus: karl youre a twink 

gogy: i hate you all why are you so loud 

dreamy creamy: kiss me 

gogy: i would rather kiss a toad 

dreamy creamy: ribbit 

sappitus nappitus: simp 

dreamy creamy: ok karl simp 

sappitus nappitus: going dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1,376 THOUSAND WORDS OF TECHNO AND SAM FLIRTING GONE. ITS GONE NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN I FUCKING- WHY WHY WHY GRRRRBEEJJWIWWIWJ i was so proud of it too (insert the "pain, agony even" seal meme i have on my phone)


	54. ranbonk: techno will you take us to the mall

_3:54 P.M._

big man: im so bored im so bored im so bored

big man: i want to go somewhere 

tubbox: agreed

dreamy creamy: what is a whole hotel not enough for you 

big man: not enough women 

dreamy creamy: damn 

big man: ranboo tell techno to take us to the malll 

ranbonk: fine i guess 

ranbonk: techno will you take us to the mall 

THEBLADE: sure. 

awesamdilf: i want to go

thing two: me too 

your highness: im always looking for an excuse to spend technos money

THEBLADE: my car is not big enough for this 

THEBLADE: guess we're going to ignore the law again. 

THEBLADE: tommy and tubbo, you're going to share a seatbelt. sam you can sit on the middle console i guess. 

awesamdilf: why am i put in danger every time i get in your car 

THEBLADE: that's the fun of it, baby. 

THEBLADE: who isn't in my car in the next twenty minutes is getting left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only shred i have of mental stability left is being held on by the thought of wilburs demon house and the doom shack


	55. your highness: just watched sam climb over techno to get in the car wtf

techno is internally screaming, head in his hands as he sits in his car. he was the first to show up, and thank god for that. why did he add the baby to the end of that text. 

the passenger door opens to reveal eret, who looks like they're about to laugh. "baby, really? you called him baby?" eret says in an amused tone as he sits down. 

techno goes red and turns to look out his window, pouting slightly. "shut up." he mutters. before his friend can pester him more, ranboo appears, tubbo tommy and nook. 

as they get into the car techno looks at them through the rear view mirror. "where's sam?" he asks, and nook sighs. "he looked like he was having a crisis when we left so we just hoped he'd show up eventually." tubbo says as he shoves tommy. "you're taking up too much space." tubbo says, making tommy shove him back. "no you are." 

before they can get into a full fledged fight, sam is peeking his head through techno's window. "how am i supposed to get in the car?" he asks. 

_4:11 P.M._

_operation get techno and sam together_

your highness: just watched sam climb over techno to get in the car wtf

your highness: got it on film too lmao 

dreamy creamy: IEUEEJEHSB 

karlos: not the keyboard smash

karlos: didn't think you were a bottom, dream 

dreamy creamy: shut the hell your mouth 

sappitus nappitus: so are we going to get the video or not 

your highness: no im keeping it for blackmail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crying laughing at the mental image of techno having a gay panic in his old ass toyota corolla that is literally minutes away from dying at any time


	56. thing two: where did tommy go

_4:32 P.M._

awesamdilf: techno just almost got pulled over 

awesamdilf: almost as in he would have if eret didnt shove me into the backseat before the cop could see me 

THEBLADE: sorry about that.

your highness: im not 

your highness: anyway im going to hot topic 

your highness: the cute worker cant flirt with themselves 

thing two: where did tommy go

tubbox: oh no 

THEBLADE: i knew i was going to regret this decision. 

tubbox: i think i know where he is 

thing two: im going to buy him a leash so he stops getting away 

THEBLADE: probably a smart idea


	57. big man: free me bitch

_4:42 P.M._

thing two: we found tommy 

thing two: he is now leashed 

big man: free me bitch

thing two: no 

big man: grr 

big man: how come tubbo doesnt have a leash 

thing two: you know what actually thats probably a good idea 

tubbox: tommy youve betrayed me 

THEBLADE: why did i agree to take you guys to the mall.

ranbonk: because you love us 

THEBLADE: debatable.

ranbonk: whatever you say 

awesamdilf: im hungry 

ranbonk: we should get techno to buy us expensive food court food 

ranbonk: technoo 

THEBLADE: fine, let's go to the food court.

ranbonk: yaayyy 

furry: bring me back a pretzel 

furry: i want to throw it at the raccoon that lives in the dumpster behind the hotel 

big man: that raccoon bit me

THEBLADE: ..

THEBLADE: if you have rabies im going to laugh my ass off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was just ranboo setting up sam and techno on a date sjsbsb


	58. quackmeister: schlatt is making us watch alvin and the chipmunks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dbehejsj they are going crazy while ranboo third wheels his dads date

_4:59 P.M._

quackmeister: schlatt is making us watch alvin and the chipmunks 

quackmeister: help 

furry: we arent even watching them in order we started with the third one 

schaltt: theyre cinematic masterpieces 

quackmeister: you just think dave is a dilf

schaltt: HES HOT 

karlos: he is 

sappitus nappitus: are you going to leave me for a chipmunk fucker

dreamy creamy: i dont like what youre implying 

quackmeister: i dont either

gogy: dream i swear if you bring up which chimpmunk is getting the best head 

dreamy creamy: jokes on you 

dreamy creamy: you brought it up

dreamy creamy: anyway its theodore

schaltt: thats just false its simon 

furry: i hate you all 

quackmeister: im literally in tears 

quackmeister: i regret ever meeting any of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had a dream i was in minecraft last night, did some fucky shit to the nether portal and there were cactus dogs & tiny endermen. was pretty neat. met another person, we beat the enderdragon together. i miss my cactus dog i named piss 😔


	59. the valentine's day special

_2:36 P.M._

schaltt: so was anyone gonna tell me its valentine's day or was i supposed to find out it was when quackity gave me chocolate expecting some in return 

schaltt: anyway i told him i accidentally left it in my dorm room help 

furry: oh you are so fucking lucky were friends 

furry: meet me at your door 

schaltt: thank you i could kiss you on the lips right now 

furry: please dont 

sappitus nappitus: ITS VALENTINE'S DAY?? 

sappitus nappitus: FUCK 

karlos: going dark

sappitus nappitus: no wait ill make it up to you at dinner 

karlos: no longer going dark

dreamy creamy: was going to laugh but then i was suddenly met with the harsh reality i forgot too 

big man: .. 

big man: so youre telling me i, a child, remembered valentines day when you grown men couldnt

dreamy creamy: thats just rubbing dirt in the wound ):

big man: good 

skippy: man you guys suck 

skippy: how does someone forget about valentines day when they LITERALLY have a significant other

skippy: couldnt be me 

THEBLADE: agreed. 

THEBLADE: well, eret reminded me yesterday but still. 

ranbonk: valentine's day is only good for one thing 

ranbonk: half priced stuffed animals the day after 

your highness: amen to that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there haven't been any chapters in the last few days i literally put my hand through the wall on accident. heres a valentine's special to make up for it xoxo.


	60. ranbonk: just conned my dad into buying me seven lemon demon shirts feeling good

_5:04 P.M._

_private message between ranbonk + your highness_

ranbonk: eret save me please they just keep making heart eyes at eachother its so gross 

ranbonk: i just want to eat my expensive food court pizza in peace 

your highness: never fear young sire 

your highness: ill come save you 

ranbonk: this is almost worse 

your highness: fine maybe i wont take you to hot topic to look at the lemon demon merch 

ranbonk: NO WAIT TAKE ME WITH YOU 

your highness: thats what i thought 

_5:49 P.M._

ranbonk: just conned my dad into buying me seven lemon demon shirts feeling good

big man: not fair techno never buys me anything 

THEBLADE: that's because you're annoying.

big man: damn you 

big man: how was your date with sam 

THEBLADE: that wasn't a date. 

your highness: it wasnt?

ranbonk: it wasnt? 

big man: it wasnt?

thing two: it wasnt?

tubbox: it wasnt? 

awesamdilf: it wasnt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK IN BUSINESS BABY IT DOESNT HURT TO TYPE ANYMORE. on another note ive been thinking of making a series of oneshots on how techno wilbur and tommy came into phils care what do yall think


	61. big man: speaking of raccoons

_5:36 P.M._

awesamdilf: going dark /lh

thing two: and i oop- 

awesamdilf: dont ever fucking say that again 

your highness: im not getting in the car with you and technos rampant sexual tension PLEASE just kiss already 

THEBLADE: quite frankly, i hate you. 

ranbonk: hate to think about my dad having a romantic life but i agree with eret 

big man: kiss kiss kiss 

schaltt: whats happening 

your highness: fucker you ruined the moment 

schaltt: what fucking moment 

furry: schlatt how could you it was finally gonna happen 

schaltt: WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN 

furry: ill tell you later

furry: anyway did u get my pretzel

THEBLADE: yeah its sort of stale though 

furry: the raccoon wont care

big man: speaking of raccoons

big man: ive befriended one

big man: im naming it after sam nook 

thing two: thats 

thing two: strangely heartwarming???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when they literally go on a date but still arent together bc theyre useless 😔


	62. schaltt: YOU CHOOSE TO BE GINGER??

_3:42 A.M._

furry: who wants to go break into the college with me 

schaltt: you only break into campus when somethings bothering you 

quackmeister: what schlatt said 

quackmeister: also its 3 am 

furry: and 

karlos: whats up shawty u can confide in us 

dreamy creamy: is it The ThingTM? 

furry: yeah 

dreamy creamy: ill be over with treasure planet in 20 

schaltt: what thing 

furry: ill maybe tell you later 

schaltt: you dont have to if you dont want to 

schaltt: youre still sexy either way 

furry: to think i thought youd actually be serious for once 

schaltt: you love me 

furry: debatable 

_5:52 A.M._

furry: had a surprisingly okay heart to heart with dream and he had surprisingly good points 

dreamy creamy: offended 

furry: shut 

furry: anyway he made me realize i should maybe tell you guys this bc youre like important to me or whatever 

furry: im trans 

furry: as in transgender

schaltt: YOU CHOOSE TO BE GINGER?? 

quackmeister: no you fucking idiot hes saying he didnt always used to be a guy 

schaltt: oh okay 

schaltt: no worries fundy youre still the sexiest man i know, even though youre ginger 

furry: thanks i guess??

THEBLADE: oh yeah, me too. 

furry: you 

furry: what 

furry: but you 

furry: i 

THEBLADE: that was made possible by the wonders of keyhole. 

THEBLADE: i'm surprised you didn't know there's literally a trans flag sticker on my car 

furry: looking back on it yeah it makes sense 

karlos: thank you guys for telling us 

sappitus nappitus: yeah us lgbts gotta stick together 

karlos: how high are you?? 

sappitus nappitus: 5'9 

karlos: oh my god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise techno is trans too bc this is MY self indulgent fic. there are 3 more trans characters in this lmao. ive dropped hints about one of them.


	63. schaltt: are you cheating on me

_1:42 P.M._

sappitus nappitus: guys i think i broke my arm 

karlos: wh- HOW 

big man: i have never once broke a single bone 

THEBLADE: would you like to? 

big man: stay the hell away from me 

dreamy creamy: sap did u get caught in the playground equipment again 

sappitus nappitus: yeah 

sappitus nappitus: before you laugh i think my arm is broken

dreamy creamy: you did this to yourself i told you not to 

sappitus nappitus: karlll help me 

karlos: i cant im watching killer bean with quackity 

sappitus nappitus: WITHOUT ME??!

quackmeister: sorry guapito 

schaltt: are you cheating on me 

quackmeister: you literally cheated on me with fundy i dont want to hear it 

schaltt: baby im sorry please come back 

muffinhead: ill come get you sappy 

sappitus nappitus: bad youre my hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im literally in tears right now because xavier gave to me the mental image of hatsune miku binder technoblade i-


	64. dreamy creamy: its georges birthday in a few days

_2:56 P.M._

muffinhead: sapnap definitely broke his arm 

muffinhead: he wanted me to tell you all that he expects flowers and get well soon cards 

karlos: hes so over dramatic 

dreamy creamy: hes a bitch

muffinhead: language!

skippy: honking idiot keeps trying to flirt with the cast guy that looks creepily like karl 

sappitus nappitus: false i would never cheat on my wife or fiancee 

dreamy creamy: why do you have a wife and fiancee

sappitus nappitus: because my dick is bigger than yours 

dreamy creamy: i- you dont even- 

dreamy creamy: whatever to think i was going to bring you chipotle 

sappitus nappitus: wait no 

dreamy creamy: thats what i thought bitch 

dreamy creamy: oh my fucking god i just remembered something oh god oh fuck mama mia cunt 

muffinhead: my eyes.. 

_3:14 P.M._

_dreamy creamy added sappitus nappitus, karlos, furry, quackmeister + 10 more people_

dreamy creamy: its georges birthday in a few days 

dreamy creamy: and i just remembered 

dreamy creamy: so aha ha we need to plan a party NOW 

sappitus nappitus: shit 

karlos: seconded 

your highness: dont worry i got this im great at planning parties 

dreamy creamy: i would kiss you if i wasnt already in love with george 

karlos: going to screenshot this and send it to him 

dreamy creamy: ill kill you 

quackmeister: dont threaten my fiancee

sappitus nappitus: seconded how could you threaten my wife like that


	65. a chapter that isnt a chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to dissapoint

there will be a lull in updates because of something going on in my personal life. my aunt just got put into hospice care because her cancers getting worse and all this covid shit is happening. we dont know how long she has left and it sucks. she was my favorite aunt, and probably my favorite person too. ill try to update as much as possible bc i love yall and this fic makes me feel better but just letting yall know there might be fewer updates


	66. quackmeister: shaking and crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is me xavier!! skrrt put me in charge of updating this for yall!! he sends his love to all of you who wished him well in the comments of the previous chapter!! now it is time for chaos >:3

_2:23 P.M._

quackmeister: shaking and crying 

quackmeister: i just saw a bird try to carry a whole pizza box 

furry: why are u crying 

quackmeister: it moved me in my soul, that was my spirit animal 

your highness: does anyone want to go to party city with me 

gogy: why are you going to party city 

your highness: mind ur business twink 

gogy: fair enough 

wilbur simp: oo i want to go to party city to look at the wig section 

THEBLADE: those wigs are cheap trash. 

wilbur simp: yes 

THEBLADE: alright i guess 

thing two: eret we need to have words 

your highness: is it about operation watermelon 

thing two: yes 

THEBLADE: what the fuck is operation watermelon. 

your highness: mind your business, twunk 

THEBLADE: watch it, bitch


	67. awesamdilf: how do you get banned from fucking party city

_4:12 P.M._

your highness: i shouldn't have let wilbur go with me he got us kicked out 

wilbur simp: sorry eret i forgot i had a life time ban 

big man: oh yeah our life time party city ban

awesamdilf: you- what 

awesamdilf: how do you get banned from fucking party city 

THEBLADE: two years ago tommy and wilbur set off a firework in the party popper section accidentally.

THEBLADE: don't ask how they got the firework. 

wilbur simp: surprisingly enough dad still doesnt know about that 

your highness: hanging out with you is bad for my health 

awesamdilf: agreed 

your highness: at least they let me pay before they kicked me out, dream you owe me 300 dollars 

dreamy creamy: alright 

dreamy creamy: who wants to help put up decorations 

gogy: wtf are you guys doing 

dreamy creamy: ... 

dreamy creamy: george its literally your birthday today did you forget 

gogy: oh yeah 

karlos: how 

karlos: did you forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i cant update as fast as skrrt, unlike that twink i didnt drop out. heres some advice never agree to taking AP classes they suck. anyway next chapter operation watermelon commences >:3


	68. thing two: i cant find sam what if they got rabies from the dumpster raccoon and died

_5:12 P.M._

skippy: did i just witness sapnap doing a body shot off of karl with my own virgin eyes or 

dreamy creamy: exactly there are CHILDREN here 

furry: look whos talking mr "im going to sell my adhd medication to a hotel worker right infront of three kids" 

dreamy creamy: hey that maid was offering good money 

karlos: youre RICH 

big man: for once i admire you dream

THEBLADE: if you even think about it i'll tell phil.

big man: snitch

_4:37 P.M._

_operation watermelon_

thing two: eret theres a slight hitch in the plan 

thing two: i cant find sam what if they got rabies from the dumpster raccoon and died 

furry: doubt it, they arent that stupid 

dreamy creamy: exactly hes not THAT stupid, theyre probably in the bathroom or something 

your highness: hm.. i cant find techno either 

your highness: where are they hiding 

sappitus nappitus: how will operation watermelon commence now

karlos: f in the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs in i was already up to finish an essay so why not update this* anyway.. he/they sam supremacy. the only thing that keeps me going is the mental image of techno holding sam and ranboo by their collars with the caption "finally got me some of them he/theys"


	69. schaltt: i found techno and sam

_4:57 P.M._

_operation watermelon_

schaltt: ..

schaltt: i found techno and sam 

your highness: perfect we can start the plan now 

schaltt: it looks like they already did their own operation watermelon

schaltt: i found them making out in one of the broom closets

your highness: fucking- if i knew all it took to make them get together was a few shots id have done that instead of a meticulous plan 

thing two: i am going to have so much fun making fun of sam in the morning 

your highness: ah true i cant wait to bully techno for this 

ranbonk: wishing i wasnt in this chat i dont want to thinl about my dad having a love life 

big man: seconded i dont want to hear about either of my brothers lame love lives 

your highness: boohoo you both were essential to my plan but i guess my plan isnt needed anymore 

schaltt: i took a picture

schaltt: i am so keeping this for blackmail 

your highness: give me give me i need to see technos first kiss 

furry: THAT WAS HIS FIRST KISS?? 

your highness: not because lack of people wanting to kiss him mind you that mf was drowning in bitches even in highschool 

your highness: he just didnt like any of them back sam was babys first crush lmao 

ranbonk: i did not want to know my dad drowned in bitches in highschool i HATE IT HERE 

wilbur simp: tommy why would you call my love life lame :((

big man: im just speaking truths big man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs in skrrts bad habit of staying up late to write has rubbed off on me* so sad that erets plan got ruined by a few shots of tequila anyway keep an eye out for the oneshot of what was going on in that broom closet 👀 ;3. also the fact that this was the 69th chapter.. serendipity


	70. THEBLADE: today is the day i cease to exist.

_11:45 A.M._

karlos: woke up with a hangover but sap and quackity are still drunk wtf

sappitus nappitus: is anyone missing a pink cowboy hat i found it on my head 

schaltt: MY BITCH MAGNET HAT

furry: you get bitches.. with those yeeyee ass mutton chops?? 

schaltt: i am going to become a landlord because of you

ranbonk: please god please shut up i just want ten minutes of quiet 

quackmeister: where are my 

quackmeister: paannnnttttttsss 

thing two: so

thing two: who the fuck is going to help me clean this shit up

thing two: also tommy i saw you take that shot of vodka last night 

big man: i regretted it instantly people like that shit?? 

THEBLADE: today is the day i cease to exist. 

your highness: noo come on at least give me ghe juicy details 

THEBLADE: you woke me up just for this. 

THEBLADE: seriously? 

your highness: yes now tell me 

your highness: is that green headed bitch a good kisser or does schaltt owe me money 

THEBLADE: wake me up when it's actually something important. 

wilbur simp: its honestly impressive how he keeps the punctuation and shit up hungover 

wilbur simp: anyway did everyone else not see bad and skeppy making out in the corner last night or

your highness: THEY WHAT 

your highness: PAY UP, KARL

karlos: damn it i knew i shouldnt have placed bets with eret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally had the time to watch tommys recent lore stream while writing this.. i have thoughts and since skrrt isnt around to hear them yall are taking theyre place. if u havent watched it yet avert your gaze. so.. tommy gets locked in the cell with dream, he has a breakdown. now picture this, instead of chancing it being a week before hes rescued tommy steps into the lava and boom his last canon life gone. when sam comes back to get him he only finds dream, who is literally just standing there. enter ghostinnit who doesnt remember anything and starts to become friends with dream. when techno hears the news he expected to be happy but hes just angry, when he goes to 'visit' dream with an axe in his inventory he stops dead in his tracks seeing his brothers ghost being friendly towards dream. mm angst. i really should be thinking about my essay instead of this but these block men are ruining my life


	71. your highness: technotechnotechno

_11:56 A.M._

_private message between your highness + THEBLADE_

your highness: technoo 

your highness: technotechnotechno 

your highness: please i just want to know the details 

THEBLADE: no leave me to die.

THEBLADE: ugh i can't believe i have emotions this is so embarrassing 

your highness: youre impossible 

your highness: im coming to your room to pester you more 

THEBLADE: do not. 

your highness: too late 

_12:09 P.M._

your highness: TECHNO 

your highness: EJEHEHSHS

THEBLADE: i told you "do not" and yet you did anyway. 

your highness: they grow up so fast.. 

thing two: what are you talking about 

your highness: TECHNO IS A PLAYER I CANT BELIEVE HIM 

your highness: ON THE FIRST NIGHT, TECHNO?? 

THEBLADE: first of all i already told you, no. second of all shut your mouth bitch. you're going to wake sam up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im baaaacckk. did you miss me?? also before you kill me i wanted to come back i missed yall. also dw xavier will occasionally be back but that poor mf is busy, he should have took my advice and dropped out too. -skrrt


	72. awesamdilf: what the fuck is happening??

_12:09 P.M._

awesamdilf: what the fuck is happening?? 

your highness: sammm how did it feel to get railed by legendary fencing champ techno blade-minecraft 

awesamdilf: first of all 

awesamdilf: what makes you think im the bottom?? secondly we didnt fuck 

your highness: boringg

THEBLADE: see, eret, i was telling the truth.

THEBLADE: you're embarrassing. 

ranbonk: what did i just read...

ranbonk: with my own two eyes

big man: agreed

tubbox: agreed 

furry: agreed 

jschaltt: agreed 

muffinhead: agreed 

your highness: BAD 

muffinhead: eret 

your highness: is it true that you and skeppy made out last night??

muffinhead: goodbye 

your highness: noooo 

your highness: this is so sad i just want to hear gossip 

sappitus nappitus: heres some gossip- dreams dick is small 

gogy: seconded 

dreamy creamy: NEITHER OF YOU HAVE EVEN SEEN IT 

dreamy creamy: going dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that awko taco moment when xavier is too busy to beta this and help me with ideas 😔. anyway the positions open for as long as it takes for him to dig himself out of that pile of schoolwork he let pile up. i tried to tell him not to take all ap classes but noo.


	73. karlos: im gonna die im gonna die

_2:34 P.M._

karlos: im gonna die im gonna die

karlos: this is the last day of me being with the living oh my god 

karlos: i accidentally hit technos car with saps saturn oh my GOD

THEBLADE: ..

THEBLADE: you did what. 

karlos: save me im gonna diieee

dreamy creamy: you did this to yourself

THEBLADE: bertha has done nothing to you and yet you run into her with a saturn of all things. 

your highness: bertha is literally older than tommy 

big man: thats an exaggeration 

ranbonk: omg i didnt know you knew big words 

big man: shut up bitch 

THEBLADE: karl you are going to pay for this in blood. 

awesamdilf: isnt murder a little extra

THEBLADE: never, bertha has been with me since i learned to drive. 

your highness: GET A NEW CAR 

THEBLADE: no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont remember what i named technos car if i named it 😔 his cars name is bertha now. all of the people who know how to drive in this have shitty old cars bc i think its funny.


	74. your highness: hello, techno, finally i have caught you in conversation

_3:41 P.M._

karlos: shaking and crying bc im hiding from techno and just realized school starts tomorrow- 

sappitus nappitus: noo im going to be lonely all day again 

muffinhead: finally.. free..

skippy: never thought id be happier going back to school 

THEBLADE: seconded. 

your highness: hello, techno, finally i have caught you in conversation 

your highness: WHY IS SAM WEARING YOUR SHIRT AND WHY ARE THERE HICKEYS ON HIS NECK

THEBLADE: goodbye. 

your highness: damn it 

your highness: GET BACK HERE YOU PINK BITCH

your highness: saaaammmm 

awesamdilf: you are so scary please leave me be 

your highness: COME HERE GREEN TWUNK IM GONNA PRY THE ANSWERS OUT OF YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im making them go back to school bc i want the drama of sam skipping one of his classes to serenade techno through the window bc itd be funny


	75. big man: somewhere somehow dream has wronged me

_4:32 P.M._

big man: i feel like..

big man: somewhere somehow dream has wronged me 

dreamy creamy: WHAT DID I DO 

big man: you know..

wilbur simp: oh this again 

big man: I KNOW TECHNO AND ERET WRONGED ME IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE OKAY

THEBLADE: and i'd do it again. 

nook: get back to packing so you can get the hell out of my hotel

gogy: why are we even here in the first place 

furry: just to suffer 

tubbox: is now a good time to say tommy ranboo and i were supposed to be back in school a week ago..

THEBLADE: shit. 

wilbur simp: dadzas gonna kill us oh my god 

big man: snitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the new lore stream.. pain, suffering even.. i KNEW this would happen but still... pain 😔


	76. big man: i do not regret this decision

_4:47 P.M._

_sleepy bois inc._

Dadza: so

ranbonk: forgive me phil tommy wouldnt let me tell you 

big man: i do not regret this decision 

tubbox: please dont tell nikki she'll kill me 

wilbur simp: .. oops 

wilbur simp: i already told her, sorry, tubbo 

THEBLADE: you dug your own graves. 

THEBLADE: except for you ranboo

Dadza: you know what? im actually sort of impressed you managed to keep it under wraps for a whole week 

Dadza: i am, however, going to make you make up all that work, tommy 

big man: ughh 

wilbur simp: on another note does anyone know where my kazoo went 

big man: .. 

big man: gotta go 

_5:07 P.M._

dreamy creamy: is everyone packed 

quackmeister: si

furry: define packed

sappitus nappitus: seconded 

dreamy creamy: .. 

dreamy creamy: disappointed in both of you 

wilbur simp: has anyone seen the tall blonde gremlin

wilbur simp: he stole my kazoo 

big man: youll never find me 

wilbur simp: do you forget we have to get in the same car to get back home 

big man: i will simply just stay here with nook

thing two: no matter how much i like spending time with you please dont

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lore bit of ranboos stream tonight.. mf chose VIOLENCE wtf im literally still crying why did he and sam have to go that hard. 😔


	77. big man: in the trunk again feeling good

5:23 P.M.

big man: in the trunk again feeling good 

thing two: YOU PUT HIM IN THE TRUNK?!

wilbur simp: no room elsewhere

wilbur simp: my legs are being squished, ranboo has to tilt his head to fit in the car, sam is literally in technos lap, only eret is wearing a seatbelt, wait scratch that phils wearing one too

wilbur simp: this is a nightmare 

skippy: all of a sudden im glad dream decided to practically kidnap us when we had bads car 

sappitus nappitus: dream drank out of a pissbottle again 

sappitus nappitus: wasnt even mine this time 

quackmeister: in my defense i told him not to drink it 

furry: i hate both of you 

gogy: seconded 

karlos: why are either of you my fiancees 

schaltt: thought you were saps wife 

karlos: i was until the divorce 

karlos: and then we got engaged again with quackity 

sappitus nappitus: gonna have two wives check 

quackmeister: why do i have to be a wife 

sappitus nappitus: bc youre a twink 

karlos: says the chad smh 

sappitus nappitus: IM NOT A CHAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im literally in tears bc of my own meme that i made of that jeff mf from american dad with the caption philza minecraft in all uppercase letters i-


	78. big man: rip tubbo you will be missed

_7:42 P.M._

tubbox: save me save me nikki is so mad 

big man: rip tubbo you will be missed 

your highness: ill be over with pastrys to calm her down in five minutes tops 

tubbox: i owe you my life eret 

your highness: yeah yeah 

wilbur simp: oh speaking of nikki

_wilbur simp added kirby with knife to the chat_

kirby with knife: tubbo 

kirby with knife: no more baked goods from me for a week

tubbox: :(( 

kirby with knife: fine only three days 

THEBLADE: speaking of baked goods 

THEBLADE: hows the cafe doing, nikki? 

kirby with knife: good!! business is booming, thanks to erets instagram post the other week 

your highness: as it should 

your highness: you deserve it 

kirby with knife: you already get free snacks what are you working at, eret? 

your highness: nothing 

your highness: well.. i was wondering if i could borrow that pink lipstick of yours 

kirby with knife: of course!! 

your highness: youre the best 

THEBLADE: offended, my best friend is abandoning me. 

your highness: like you could ever get rid of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy im back sorry i was working on a ranboo sickfic thats out now!!


	79. tubbox: just got detention feeling good

_2:29 P.M._

tubbox: just got detention feeling good 

big man: seconded

ranbonk: what did you guys do 

ranbonk: we literally JUST got back 

big man: ..

tubbox: he was asking for it okay 

ranbonk: wait a minute 

ranbonk: youre talking about

ranbonk: YOURE THE ONES WHO PUT THE ROACHES IN THAT KID RONS LOCKER??? 

big man: and id do it again 

tubbox: seconded 

tubbox: no one shit talks my beloved like that 

wilbur simp: your beloved?

tubbox: yes, ranboo my beloved 

big man: i would have put hot girl in his locker but i was afraid shed get hurt 

big man: she is in my hoodie pocket rn 

furry: you brought your snake to school?? 

big man: hop off my case, ginger 

kirby with knife: .. 

tubbox: OH GOD I FORGOT NIKI WAS HERE DBRHEIEJ

kirby with knife: why did you get detention tubbo 

tubbox: in my defense he deserved it 

kirby with knife: why 

tubbox: he shit talked ranboo right to my face

tubbox: so i called up techno 

tubbox: and he brought a bag full of live roaches 

tubbox: then tommy and i funneled them through the vents in his locker 

kirby with knife: YOU ENABLED THIS TECHNO??

THEBLADE: he shit talked my son, what else was i supposed to do? i can't just beat up a child. 

awesamdilf: you talk about slaying orphans all the time just turn him into one, easy 

ranbonk: oh my god 

ranbonk: do NOT kill anyone on my behalf 

awesamdilf: no fun 

wilbur simp: wait til dadza hears about this

ranbonk: wait- what did he say about me 

big man: it clicked just now why we roached him

ranbonk: i had to process that YOU PUT ROACHES IN HIS LOCKER AND TECHNO SUPPLIED THEM 

ranbonk: AND SAM IMPLIED THAT TECHNO SHOULD MAKE HIM AN ORPHAN SO HE COULD KILL HIM 

big man: usually i would tell you but he said some awful shit 

tubbox: seconded hes lucky tommy didnt use the vlog gun on him 

ranbonk: WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN

big man: schlatt is a horrible influence 

schaltt: ill have you know i am a great influence actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shehehsh been working on another dsmp AU that i am VERY excited to start writing. anyway sound off in the comments if you have a cool hero name for niki im Struggling lmao


	80. sappitus nappitus: heart been broke so many timeesss

_3:45 P.M._

THEBLADE: tubbo, tommy we are going to mcdonalds as a reward for defending my son.

THEBLADE: ranboo youre coming too. 

awesamdilf: youre all getting mcflurrys 

big man: YEAAHHJ

THEBLADE: we're outside. 

tubbox: detention is still for another hour 

awesamdilf: and? get in the car 

ranbonk: my dads are holding me against my will is it still kidnapping if its my legal guardians

awesamdilf: you act as if you didnt literally beg to go to mcdonalds yesterday 

ranbonk: .. 

ranbonk: i fear for my LIFE someone save me 

dreamy creamy: youre the one who let techno become a legal guardian 

dreamy creamy: you must face the consequences 

karlos: once again why does ranboo get to have two dads 

karlos: i dont even have one 

sappitus nappitus: im literally RIGHT HERE

sappitus nappitus: daddy nap in the flesh right next to you 

karlos: ew 

sappitus nappitus: i

sappitus nappitus: heart been broke so many timeesss 

tubbox: tommy just 

tubbox: climbed out the window?? 

tubbox: were on the second floor 

big man: ill catch you tubbo, im a big man

ranbonk: YOU GUYS ARE INSANE HOW DID I END UP IN THIS SITUATION 

furry: i ask myself the same question every day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally in TEARS because of my own AU(not this one) bc apparently i just love hurting my own feelings. i have one haha funny au(this one) one also kind of haha funny one im working on, and then Pain. liam payne without the liam


	81. the philza minecraft meme i made




	82. karlos: love getting my rights debated at 10 in the morning

_10:34 A.M._

karlos: love getting my rights debated at 10 in the morning 

THEBLADE: seconded.

dreamy creamy: who even allowed mrs. johnson on campus i- 

gogy: shes such a bitch 

furry: never been more glad i dont have her class

THEBLADE: i am going to get her fired one of these days. 

karlos: us transgenders should band together and get her fired 

furry: yes yes yes 

ranbonk: idk who mrs johnson is but i bet her last husband left her for a younger woman 

your highness: can confirm

ranbonk: EBEBWHWU

awesamdilf: i took her class last year and by god was it a miracle i passed 

awesamdilf: she HATED me 

awesamdilf: techno we should kiss infront of her 

awesamdilf: i am coming to your class rn

karlos: wish someone would kiss me infront of mrs. lgbt phobic 

sappitus nappitus: i literally will 

karlos: ew i watched you eat seven pizza hot pockets this morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now realizing i did the math wrong for how many trans characters are in this ebebej


	83. karlos: SAM JUST CLIMBED IN THROUGH THE WINDOW??

_10:57 A.M._

karlos: SAM JUST CLIMBED IN THROUGH THE WINDOW?? 

karlos: WERE ON THE SECOND FLOOR??? 

awesamdilf: anyone would scale a two story building just to spite a homophobe 

THEBLADE: she passed out.

THEBLADE: she literally passed out. 

furry: the gay was too much for her 

sappitus nappitus: karl why wouldnt you let me kiss u :(( 

karlos: your BREATH smells like HOT POCKET and also YOU CAME OUT OF THE VENT DUSTY AS HELL 

sappitus nappitus: dont call me..

sappitus nappitus: dont come by my house..

sappitus nappitus: were done.. 

karlos: DID YOU JUST DIARY OF A WIMPY KID ME 

furry: im crying what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just posted a superhero au. that world building took me TOO LONG jfc


	84. ranbonk: thinking about the guy fieri flavortown arg

_3:56 P.M._

ranbonk: thinking about the guy fieri flavortown arg 

ranbonk: i hope green m&m dr phil and guy fieri are raising their children well 

tubbox: ??? 

ranbonk: phileri my beloved 

ranbonk: wish i got an invite to their wedding in the mail 

THEBLADE: what the hell are you talking about. 

ranbonk: the guy fieri flavor town au 

ranbonk: et in flavortown ego 

furry: i am so confused rn

schaltt: dr phil m&m is real and he cheated on guy fieri with donkey from shrek

ranbonk: no!! their marriage 

ranbonk: how will they fix this 

karlos: shaking and crying wtf is going on 

ranbonk: mrs officer and mr truffles crashed their wedding and arrested guy fieri on possession charges 😱🤬⁉️(EMOTIONAL) 

awesamdilf: ... 

dreamy creamy: techno come get ur son

karlos: what is he even talking about!! 

ranbonk: imposter from among us stoll guy fieris nineteen dollar fortnite card⁉️⁉️ (NOT CLICKBAIT) 

sappitus nappitus: what am i reading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only headcanon no one can ever change is that ranboo literally has the most obscure internet knowledge and he makes jokes abt it all the time while everyone else is just wondering what is going on


	85. big man: just got suspended at 11 am feeling good

_11:23 A.M._

big man: just got suspended at 11 am feeling good

ranbonk: shoving him down the stairs was unnecessary, tommy 

big man: he had to learn his place 

big man: its not MY fault he sprained his ankle

ranbonk: it kinda is 

wilbur simp: what did you do the principal wouldn't tell me over the phone 

big man: the right thing i should not be punished for this 

tubbox: seconded he deserved it 

big man: see?? tubbo agrees 

wilbur simp: youve hardly been in school for a WEEK and you already have a suspension 

wilbur simp: christs sake 

big man: in my defense it is entirely the other guys fault 

big man: he should have learned after the roaches 

big man: im going to train squirrels to crawl up his legs and give his dick rabies 

ranbonk: you terrify me 

ranbonk: either way i said it was fine- you dont have to stand up for me 

big man: yes i do youre too pussy to do it yourself 

big man: this ron fella needs to learn that i am the big man round these parts 

dreamy creamy: tommy are you bullying children again 

big man: HE DESERVED IT 

big man: thats what he gets for being stupid enough to say that shit to ranboo right infront of my face 

THEBLADE: i'm going to have that kids parents' heads on pikes.

THEBLADE: the principals too. they will rue the day they messed with a blade. 

quackmeister: terrifying 

awesamdilf: are you finally considering the make him an orphan option 

awesamdilf: because i am 100% behind it 

ranbonk: guys its fine really 

ranbonk: ive been called worse- 

big man: names and addresses 

THEBLADE: seconded. 

your highness: so is this what were doing today? murdering everyone who wronged ranboo?

THEBLADE: yes. 

your highness: i can get behind that

ranbonk: guys-

karlos: its no use trying to reason with them 

karlos: on the bright side their deaths will probably be painless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip ron and his parents 😔🗡 


End file.
